Still a Cynic...

I've made a deep discovery:  I know why I don't write.

I don't know HOW to write about being actually happy.

Sure, there's a lot of stuff going wrong in my life right now...but overall, I'm pretty content.

And I do NOT know how to write about it.

Take my wedding day for example -- I've been telling myself to write about it since day 3 of marriage. I had my journal on the honeymoon and was sick and tired with plenty of optimal time to sit and write out all the beautiful details of the best day of my life.

But I didn't.

I'm 4 months in and I still haven't.

I also haven't watched the long-version of our wedding video.  I just...can't...

I don't know what to do with happiness and joy.

The only times this year I've been tempted to write have been when life has been a bitch to me.

Like my ears and lungs....or my sex life...or my need to forgive people...or my desire to go back to work.

But I can't write.

And it's systematic of this much deeper problem -- I don't know how to stop and record happiness.

I haven't taken hardly any pictures since I got engaged, besides the professional ones.  Ben and I have gone out on dates, we had a honeymoon, we've had plenty of time to take moments of this early joy of sharing life.

And I don't capture it.

I don't want to be one of those people that only looks at life through the lens of their cameraphone.  But I do think that given my penchant for photography, I should be out taking pictures.

What am I afraid of?

Why am I hiding my happiness?

Why do I only share the darkness?

I wanted to write today about some really tough stuff we're going through, but no, I have to admit this first problem to myself.

Jessica,

It is good and right to take delight in the joys that life brings.  Cataloging it won't make it disappear.  Sharing the joy won't diminish it.  Do you only want to have journals and blogs filled with pain?  Do you not want to share the love and joy in your heart with others?

I know you're afraid of having to face your past again.  I know you're afraid of losing Ben.  I know you're not sure what to do with your life with God right now.

But don't be the girl that only bleeds and screams and hurts.  Be the girl that also loves, rejoices, triumphs.

You need to get out and take pictures. The tabebuia are blooming early this year.  I know last year was rough and they didn't bloom until April and you had lost Ben and Gio and a major work battle.  This year isn't the same.

Be thankful. And yes, take a look at the serious, hurting stuff too.  But share any little joy you may have.