A shout for the daylight of our God

oh God how you move!

How immeasurably deep are your wells--of love, of grace, of resources

of strength!

How well you provide for your children
How much you desire to teach and bless and discipline and speak to them!

How beautiful, how beautiful are your ways!

So beyond comprehension--beyond understanding and intellect.

You are the only True thing in life.
You are the True, the Mighty.

Oh God-my-Provider, God-my-Savior--

what good things you have for us!

How often we distort them, miss them, abuse them

Oh God--forgive your people!
Forgive me for not trusting you
For not loving you as a I ought.

You are good, God, and your love endures forever.
Turn our hearts to you--break us down and then build us up.

Oh God-my-Father, thank you for loving silly, little humans like me.

Take my heart, Lord and seal it--tie us together with the bonds of love--
I have this bad habit of letting go of you--and then blaming you for it...
Help me, oh God, help me.

Teach me, of God, teach me.

[love me]

"After night comes alight--dawn is here,
Dawn is here!
It's a new day! A new Day!

Everything will change--things will never be the same!
We will never be the same, we will never be the same!"

The Glory of it All-David Crowder Band

Ash Wednesday

Was beautiful.

Beautiful liturgy.

Beautiful words, pouring, pouring over my soul.

The Exhortation--The Confession--The Readings--

all of it.

The responsive prayer when we receive our ashes:

P: Accomplish in us, O God, the work of your salvation.
C: that we may show forth your glory in the world.

P: By the cross and Passion of your Son, our Lord,
C: bring us with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.

[ Yes. ]

Communion Invitation:

P: Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.
C: Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.

And the sending:

P: Go forth into the world to serve God with gladness; be of good courage; hold fast to that which is good; render to no one evil for evil; strengthen the fainthearted; support the weak; help the afflicted; honor all people; love and serve God, rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit.

C: Thanks be to God.

Oh God, Where Are You Now?

(In Pickerel Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)

& I did not watch the Presidential address this evening.

I cannot watch him splaying his false hope to this desperate masses.

We want him to give us answers, results.

We get swept up in believing he really can.

Sorry, America, he is a man--not God.

I cannot eat anymore of his false hope--it is like swallowing chocolate covered poison.

It festers in your body even while the taste of chocolate lingers in your mouth.

America is looking to you, Mr. President. Many are throwing their last whispers of hope onto you.

But I?

I will not trust in Obama or government programs--

no, I will place my trust in the name of the Lord.

My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Mr. President, do not give your people a sense of hope that will soon turn to hopelessness.

Do not promise what you cannot deliver.

And if you do promise what you cannot deliver, I pray that it will turn people into the arms of the only real Hope this world will ever know.

:::
:::

I am being slammed around in the storm this week. So many tears. So many fears.

So much grief and turmoil.

While driving home from taking a test for employment, I came across this:


Photo Courtesy of ABC News

This is a picture of one of many black caskets and skeletons in Grim Reaper costume out in front of University Community Hospital

(which is also on a major highway in Tampa)

Big signs proclaimed:

"GRAVE PROBLEMS AT UNIVERSITY COMMUNITY HOSPITAL"


The Sheet Metal Workers Union was protesting the poor healthcare provided at this hospital, as well as the large number of medical malpractice that has been discovered and poor doctors' ratings.


But I was GRIEVED.

GRIEVED.

Half a dozen coffins--Grim Reapers....in front of a hospital!!

My God!

Have Mercy!

I couldn't believe my eyes. So my eyes protested with water.

To imagine the Newmans driving to see Jonathan when he was in ICU--and there are coffins outside the hospital and skeletons.

A mock funeral of sorts.

To the young teen who is trying to show he is not afraid as his friends drive him to the hospital.

To a little girl going to the hospital for chemotherapy.

To the mother in labor.

To the ones who can't read English to understand what all this DEATH means.

To the old man going to visit his dying wife.

Such insensitivity!

Such callousness!

I called my mom--and after crying and praying...I drove back to go and speak to the people who were protesting.

They were not rude or mean to me.
They want to facilitate change.
They want to help bring serious concerns into the light.

So they gave me their paper on what they are protesting about--and I began to explain that I am grateful that they care--understanding and empathetic that they want to see improvement in healthcare.

But I don't agree with their delivery.

The two older guys referred me to a man in a Grim Reaper costume--making him appear to be about 7 feet tall, who was waving his arms near the turn for the hospital entrance.

I beelined my way to him.

I couldn't see his face or hands.

I told him that his method of delivery is hurting the people he would like to protect. He is causing them and their families grief.

I explained that an older woman from my church, Ms. B---, is in there with pneumonia. Her husband and daughter and grandchildren--I know them all. And presumably, they will be driving here today to see her. The idea of them seeing all this death, with their loved one so ill--it's disgusting.

Grim Reaper then began to rant (politely) about people who don't have healthcare and how the hospitals should take care of them better.

I told him, "Listen, I lost my job. I haven't had healthcare in 4 months. I have lung and esophagael conditions that require medication. I understand the troubles of not having healthcare."

Grim Reaper and his buddies have good healthcare, according to their paper.

I told him he's hurting innocent people--not helping them right now. Giving out information on the hospital's inaquacies and how to "blow the whistle" when there is medical malpractice--that is good. That is noble and right. But placing coffins and parading in death-like outfits in front of a place where many people are legitimately ill---that is emotionally ravaging to innocent people.

He basically told me the only way they were leaving was unless something would change, and that I should express my concerns about the hospital's patient care to the hospital itself.

Yes, I'm concerned about this poor-rating hospital.
But, I'm more concerned about Grim Reaper and his buddies, signs and coffins.

He is the one bringing distress.
Protest somewhere else--not in front of the hospital.
Do you realize someone lost a loved one there today?
And they have to drive past you waving to try to give them your brochure?

You cannot bring about life by masquerading as death.


Your message IS your delivery.
If you deliver a message about God's love, but speak with condemnation, what do you think people will hear?

If you want to change the healthcare of University Community Hospital, but put coffins and images of death outside its doors, what will the patients hear?

Fear.
Outrage.
Concern.

Aren't the patients dealing with enough grief without having to hear about this?
Aren't the worried family members scared enough?

Would you want your five year old to drive past coffins and skeletons to go see Granny in the hospital?

Would you want your eight year old with a broken arm to be taken to an Emergency Room where out the window she can see a man in a 7 foot tall Grim Reaper costume?

People are worried enough.
They are scared.

The sheet metal workers may have good and noble intentions with this protest...but I tell you, it hurts.


I cried so much.

These past two days have ravaged my soul.

I'm crying out, "God! God! Help the downtrodden! The poor, the weak, the hurting!"

Help us, Lord!

The government gives us false hope and treats us like a pawn.
The healthcare industry does not care for us unless we have insurance.
The people protesting use examples of people like me to put down a hospital in an awful way.

God, how long will we--the poor, the unemployed, the uninsured, the "lowly"--how long will be used as pawns by all these organizations?

We are people.

We have individual needs.

We are bruised from being moved around so much on the chessboard.

We are tired of going from agency to agency--from red tape to more red tape.

We are disgusted with those that are prostesting to "protect us", but cause distress and pain to us.

Oh God, God--I have the Hope of you.

I hurt so much for those that are in my situation without the hope of you.


oh God--God--there is such hopelessness--caused by organizations and industries that try to help.

Oh God--please--bring people to you--to your hope.

Oh God--help me. I feel so weighted down by these past two days.

[out]rage

I had quite the shock today.

[quite, and i was not quiet about it]

I never received a W-2 from my last company but managed to get one sent online to me.

I've been eager to file my taxes all year--

I wanted to process my claim so I can have some extra $$$.

My unemployment has been screwed up and I haven't been paid in over a month, so a little $$$ would be nice right about now.

I go online and start processing my claim. The beautiful numbers light up in green, showing how much the government will be paying me.

[excellent]

It even had this little thing that said "Since you lost your job last year, we will work hard to get you the largest claim."

Well, I had to put in my unemployment information (a 10-99 G)

Suddenly
the.green.numbers.

p
l
u
m
m
e
t
e
d

and then

they went into the RED

showing how much I now OWE the US government.

Unemployment wages aren't taxed in most states.


How can I describe this?
I feel sick--sick to my stomach.

To my heart.

such a heaviness
hopelessness

I started crying.

and RAGING.

how can they rape us like this?

They give us 1/4 of our normal wages to "help" tide us over.

They make you go through all these steps and hoops and rigamorale.

They hold back your unemployment compensation for the stupidest things and are practically impossible to get in touch with.

So you stand there, hat-in-hand, taking the dole.
shamed.

AND THEN THEY ASK FOR IT BACK!!!

What kind of Indian giving is that?

US government,

you wrong your people.

you hurt your people.

We have felt the shame and wariness and fear of unemployment.

We have felt the belt tighten.

We have held out hands of wounded pride for your money.

Government
of the people
for the people
by the people

why do you rape your people of their hope?

What about the woman with medical bills that was looking forward to using her tax rebate to pay them off?

What about the young man who has student loans and rent and is running low on Ramen noodles?

What about the older man who cannot find work and has watched his 401K disappear?

What about the mom who was going to use her tax return to give her child a big birthday present?

What about your people???

You give us money, then you want it back.
You give us money, but do not warn us to save it, since you will want so much of it back.

You give us money, and we look forward to getting a tax return, and then find out we owe YOU money.

Haven't you taken enough?

Your greed has robbed our families!!

I grieve for the people you rob of hope.

For the people that went through what I went through today. That awful sinking realization that not only are you not getting money back, you have to pay out too.

I was only unemployed 2 months last year. I watched all my rebate disappear and then come up short. What about the ones who have been looking for months?

What about me next year??

You see, Government, I have Hope in Jesus Christ. Not in my money. This is what I am learning much deeper from you.

But there are people who do not have this Hope.

And you take what little Hope they have and demand more

We cannot give you more!!

We have no more to give you--you have taken it all--

I am so angry at you, Government.

Your incompetency screams loudly.

My Hope cannot be in you.
It cannot be in Obama.

You give false hope.
You make us cry bitterly.

You take our dignity, our dollars.

Your false hope smells of despair.

I have cried much today
more for the ones without Hope

The ones you sweet-talked and then raped.

May God judge you--not me.

America, what has become of you?

Is this how you help your "huddled masses"?

You give us just enough money to barely pay rent and car insurance. No more than that--and I have more bills than that.

I believe you will have to answer for the hurt and grief you have caused with your "help."

I can't believe I owe you money.

Haven't you taken enough?


Listen closely, America.

I have no hope in you.
Not you, not Obama, not America.

I have Hope only in Jesus Christ.
He saves people--and not just half-way.
He isn't an Indian giver.

What He gives is forever.

And these are the words I sang from the old hymn while crying in the shower:

Jesus, lover of my soul, let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide, till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide; O receive my soul at last.

Other refuge have I none, hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone, still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed, all my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head with the shadow of Thy wing.

Plenteous grace with Thee is found, grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound; make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art, freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart; rise to all eternity.

Gihon

If you had asked me what I thought my first few years after college would look like, I can guarantee I would never have thought it would like it has. My falling away, working at meaningless jobs, more falling away, unemployment, etc, etc etc.

But I have got to tell you--His grace really is sufficient.

I know His word says it is--but sometimes knowing what the Bible says isn't enough.

It has to be infused into your Spirit.

I know I'm in a holding pattern, and because I know this, I can have joy.

Not shame over unemployment.
Not constant frustration.
Not despair over my health.

God has already paid the price for my healing--for all healing. I believe this year will be a year of healing.

I really do.

And it may not look like I think it will look like.

But I can tell you this:

I haven't been needing my acid reflux meds every single day for the past few months.
I still need them some days--but not every day. And I still have some left--even after 4 months w/ no health care.

I'm praying and hoping than when they are all finally gone--so will my hiatal hernia, acid reflux and gastritis and the damage it has caused my body.

And my lung problems--I think I've had bronchitis again recently. Each time I've gotten it, it has wreaked havoc on my system--but this time--I'm in better shape than the last 2 times I've had it. And I haven't used up all my lungs meds.

I'm praying that one day I won't need lung medicine anymore. That this chronic bronchitis and bronchial inflammation will be gone one day.

soon

I'm in a holding pattern and I want to get to know my Savior. I need to know Him more--I don't believe the times ahead are going to get any easier.

But I have a Hope.

So I set my love upon you
No expectation
Only revelation
I set my love upon you

And my salvation is to see your face.

a [long] letter to D.H. Lawrence

Oh David,

How sad you've made me! I'm still disappointed, but it's more than that. I'm sad for you. So so sad, David.

You and your obscenity...pornography...nihilism...

David, even your version of freedom is so full of fear and skepticism and suspicion and...well, sin, to be frank.

Your last great novel--posthumously published--is this your version of life? What you and your lover had?

Even your version of "love" (or should I just say "sex"?) is so...depressing.

You are right--sex is a beautiful thing--a way to be close to someone like no other way.

but you're wrong if you think sex can hold people together happily for long.

David, David, I grieve for you!

There is deep meaning in life--
--and while there would be no life without sex,
the meaning of life isn't about sex.

It's about a God you didn't believe in.

David, did no one adequately explain what "Christianity" means?

Did you see false piety and meaningless liturgy?
Were you hurt by church people?

David, I know what it's like to feel hopeless. To feel meaningless.

Cynical.

I am so sad you missed the truth.

The real meaning.

I'm so sorry you settled for the lesser things and were never fully satisfied.

David, I wish I could step back in time and somehow give you hope.
The Hope.

The Only Hope.

I don't want a life like yours--or like Lady Chatterly's or Mellors or Sir Clifford.

You missed out on the greatest Love affair--

sufficiently more satisfying than illicit sex

David, you made sensuality into a false god. I've done it too. I just felt hungrier and hungrier and emptier and emptier.

I tried more and more to try to fill the hunger. I took it all in--bloated but never satisfied. I too was mistrusting and fearful and ravenous and demanding and selfish.

It's so full of death. That road is a road to death.

David, I read your book and it makes me want to choose Life even more.

I saw the futility of Lady Chatterly and the others--
saw it and cried out for the hopelessness of people like them.

People like you were, David.

David, I'm not judging you--no, I have no place to do that. I only know that I tried the route you described...I felt the excitement, the "life" surging through me during those times, but let me tell you--I was always empty after.

I choose Life now. And it is satisfying. My life is missing many things I would like--job, healthcare, husband, children--

but I am still satisfied!

Even in my "void" I am more full than I ever was when I took the sensual route.

Sex is not the deepest life--
Life goes further back than sex.

God made Adam from his breath--not intercourse.
God's breath--God's essence and Spirit--that is where deepest Life lies.

And that is where I want to draw my deepest life from--from the Maker of all Life

people will let you down

lovers may leave
friends may fail

but God--He never forsakes nor fails His children.

His Love is from everlasting to everlasting.

EDIT::

My devotional from Oswald Chambers for today addresses this very thing:

If human love does not carry a man beyond himself, it is not love. If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculation, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all. It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it.

You Win

you win.

theendinthebeginning.

wrappppped into One [won]

i harden my heart and get flustered and angry and vengeful in spirit--

&

.you come.

.you poke.

.you prod.

.you nudge.

[I budge]

How can I hold myself back from the One who lives inside of me?

your flashlight touches the corners of my heart I tried to
h]i[d]e] in

oh Lover-of-my-Heart

you have won.
only One
you have won.

theendinthebeginning.

wrappppped into One [won]