Trust and Wonder

New Wonder > Knew Wounder

I think I see words differently than most people. They stand out, slide back,

shi[f]t

decision
incision

Knowing where I will be
[howwilligetthere]

Not knowing how it will all happen

I'm sick now, but won't be forever.

But it affects me now

& once again, it boils down to

TRUST.

[trUSt]

And it is about us, God.
You & me.

This life-long relationship.
I'm not too good at this, God.

Nothing Worth Anything Ever Goes Down Easy...

Dear God,

I believe it would be wiser to write to you instead of writing to him. You know how much I've written about/to/for/against him in the past [almost] five years. A lot of my life and time and thought and energy has dealt with him.

And I've used these circumstances as a crutch.
To explain things.
To not explain things.
For fear.
For pity and selfishness, really.

[eek/oops]

But today, God--August 16, 2009--I'd like today to be a turning point. I'm declaring that today will be a turning point.

I'm. letting. GO.

I'm not holding onto the past.

I'm not going to have an Egyptian mindset of embalming what is dead to try to hold onto it.

I'm saying Goodbye to him, to the memory of him, to using him as a crutch, to everything related to this that is holding me back from my future.

I can't hold onto it anymore.
The Shame.
The Pain.
The Hurt.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...and Lord, my heart has been sick for so long over this.

Over the not-knowing.
Over the why and how.
Over the discovery.
Over the lack of closure.

God, I believe you can bring closure.
And Hope.
And Forgiveness.

God, I ask you to help me to forgive him. To let go of this surge of rage/sorrow/shame/hurt that floods over me when I think about it all.

I speak life...life and more life to him. To him and his wife. God, I pray for my unwilling enemy. I ask that you bless him. I ask that you would work in his heart by your Holy Spirit--you're the only one that can do that without brutalizing him.

God, I pray that all shame about this would leave me. I thank you for your love, your grace, your freedom. I thank you that I am whole and clean in your eyes.

God I thank you for my future husband. I ask that you would bless him. I thank you that you have someone better suited for me and I submit my will to yours. I ask that you prepare my husband for me, and please prepare my heart for him.

And God? Please bring him in your timing--not mine. I'm not too good at timing compared to you....

Jesus, please remind me to stay close to you--to live in communion with you--otherwise I'll slip back to my past-hoarding habits. I want to live in you.

I bought a new ring. But I can only wear it honestly when I am not chained to the past.

And when I won't be ashamed to explain what it means to me.

So for right now, I'll wear it at home, because I don't know yet what I should tell the inquiring minds at church and work.

But between you and me, Lord? (and that's the best way anyway)

This ring is my engagement ring.

Because I am the bride of Christ.


...but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Summer Pains

Summer is almost over.

One big field trip tomorrow (Busch Gardens) and then a few days next week.
[then school starts]

& I'm suddenly no longer Youth Programs staff.

& I don't know what to feel.

It's been such a long, hard summer.

The kind of long, hard summer that leaves you too drained to even write about it.

Too much has happened.

I'm not sure where to start writing, so I'll put it off a little longer.

:::
:::

And that spell with Jaime--the one I was afraid would break?
[spell = my heart]

sss
hhh
aaaa
tttt
ttt
eee
rrr
eee
ddd

the calls stopped.
the online communication ceased.

You coming home for your birthday?
didn't happen.

YOU SAID it was because the base wouldn't let you take off.

YOU SAID THEY WOULDN'T LET YOU!

you lied.

you lied!

And then you were supposed to come last week.
Same excuse.

YOU'VE LIED.

At least don't leave comments to your "girlfriend" up on MySpace for me to see.

You went to Texas, which is a helluva lot further away from NC than Tampa.

To see some girl you referred to as a psycho bitch a few months ago.
A stalker face.

You chose some cheap piece of ass over your family.

And you didn't even have the guts to tell us.

And you won't call us.

No, we have to read the comments from your lovesick psychopathic "girlfriend" on your MySpace to find out where you've really been.

She came to see you in NC, so of course you couldn't come home.
You went to see her in TX, so of course you couldn't come home.

[but it was "work" that was keeping you from coming to us--YOUR FAMILY]

Damn it, Jaime! You haven't been home in 2 years.

I haven't seen you in 2 years!

I've been chasing you for almost 25 years to no avail.

Every defense I have, you tear apart--like a bull through a cape--and you don't even know you're doing it. You gore this matador's heart time and again, and still I hold up my cape, trying to get back in touch with you, with your life.

I've never been able to hold your attention for very long, and it is one of the deepest, oldest hurts of my life.

Dear Chastity,

This would be a lot easier to manage if I wasn't so touchy-feely.

Not that I was planning to do anything sexual...he and I have never been that way.

But cuddling in bed? Somehow, I don't think you'd approve.

But Chastity--he's like my gay boyfriend! We used to sleep next to each other like little kids--nothing romantic or anything--ever.

Just something I'd do with him...and other guys AND girls.

& now he doesn't understand--can't understand why I won't come over and snuggle while watching TV.

Oh and Chastity?

My mom went away for [only] 5 days and found me a potential future husband.
[saw his facebook. my status = not interested]

I want this year for us, Chastity.

& most interestingly, the truth of the matter (for right now, at least) is that I don't even want to cuddle in bed with him.

I don't want to cuddle in bed with any man.
I don't want any type of physicality beyond hugging (and maybe holding hands platonically) with any man.

It's surprising.

[it's a relief]

Thanks for showing me...for reminding me about balance and purity and security, Chastity.