Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Working things out and in
I hurt today.
Which means I should be writing in my Xanga, since this is my hopeful blog.
But I'd rather work it out here...in a hopeful place.
I killed my turtles.
Literally dehydrated them.
I feel really bad for killing them.
It helps to have something alive in my home.
& now I've caused it to die.
& now I need to get rid of their little shriveled bodies.
I feel like I'm the only living thing in this house...but I know God lives here too.
it just feels extra lonely this morning.
I've lived on my own for about 2 years now.
Oh God,
Where are you now?
In my kitchen?
Outback with the turtles?
I'm struggling with condemnation and I need you.
I have an interview today and I need you.
I'm breathing today; ergo, I need you.
::
::
And then last night.
Reunions bring back bitter memories.
I didn't realize I was still hurt, still withholding.
[but.i.am.]
I wasn't the pretty kid. Or the outgoing kid. Or the super chummy kid.
I was the painfully smart, awkward, hurting kid.
and my "leaders"?
rubbed.salt.into.my.wounds.instead.of.helping.me.
I wasn't interesting enough as a child to reach out to.
I hid my pain and was hard to relate to.
But I was hurting.
They made it worse.
& I had no idea I was still this...raw about it.
I buried the pain, the shame.
My old coping mechanism from childhood--now rearing its ugly head in broad daylight.
God healed me of my nightly recurring nightmare when I was about 10.
But another 5 years passed before He healed me in such a way to be able to allow others to touch me.
I didn't know how to touch or hug people until I was 15.
I remember some of the people I saw last night used to think I was weird b/c I wouldn't hug them.
They poked fun at me.
[like always]
If I wasn't ignored than I was being made fun of.
[and this was supposed to be Church???]
I needed to be helped and healed--I needed love! A severely depressed child, moving straight into bipolarism.
I was never supported by them emotionally.
or even in relation to going on missions trips.
And to be told I look the same as I did 6 years ago?
Ouch.
[salt slapping into wounds]
Oh God,
Where are you now?
in my 14-year-old heart?
in the dreading-to-go-to-youth-or-girl's-only?
My Child.
I've never left.
Not your 5 year old self.
Not your 14 year old self.
Not your 24 and a half year old self.
I AM here.
& I wont leave.
& I won't ignore your pain.
I AM healing.
I AM love.
Love is the first and greatest commandment. Love me. Love them. And yes, I will help you learn to love them more.
Remember child, ALL things work together for GOOD. I know you were wounded at Bay Life. I know you blame them for many things.
let.
it.
go.
It will destroy you if you try to hang onto your hurts and anger.
You already know this.
Take it.
All of it.
I am drowning in the past, even while you call me to live in the present.
Save me, Lord!
Give me your heart of love and compassion.
of forgiveness.
Oh God my Father. My helper.
Thank you for your unending love.
Thank you for helping me today and everyday.
Help me, oh help me.
Which means I should be writing in my Xanga, since this is my hopeful blog.
But I'd rather work it out here...in a hopeful place.
I killed my turtles.
Literally dehydrated them.
I feel really bad for killing them.
It helps to have something alive in my home.
& now I've caused it to die.
& now I need to get rid of their little shriveled bodies.
I feel like I'm the only living thing in this house...but I know God lives here too.
it just feels extra lonely this morning.
I've lived on my own for about 2 years now.
Oh God,
Where are you now?
In my kitchen?
Outback with the turtles?
I'm struggling with condemnation and I need you.
I have an interview today and I need you.
I'm breathing today; ergo, I need you.
::
::
And then last night.
Reunions bring back bitter memories.
I didn't realize I was still hurt, still withholding.
[but.i.am.]
I wasn't the pretty kid. Or the outgoing kid. Or the super chummy kid.
I was the painfully smart, awkward, hurting kid.
and my "leaders"?
rubbed.salt.into.my.wounds.instead.of.helping.me.
I wasn't interesting enough as a child to reach out to.
I hid my pain and was hard to relate to.
But I was hurting.
They made it worse.
& I had no idea I was still this...raw about it.
I buried the pain, the shame.
My old coping mechanism from childhood--now rearing its ugly head in broad daylight.
God healed me of my nightly recurring nightmare when I was about 10.
But another 5 years passed before He healed me in such a way to be able to allow others to touch me.
I didn't know how to touch or hug people until I was 15.
I remember some of the people I saw last night used to think I was weird b/c I wouldn't hug them.
They poked fun at me.
[like always]
If I wasn't ignored than I was being made fun of.
[and this was supposed to be Church???]
I needed to be helped and healed--I needed love! A severely depressed child, moving straight into bipolarism.
I was never supported by them emotionally.
or even in relation to going on missions trips.
And to be told I look the same as I did 6 years ago?
Ouch.
[salt slapping into wounds]
Oh God,
Where are you now?
in my 14-year-old heart?
in the dreading-to-go-to-youth-or-girl's-only?
My Child.
I've never left.
Not your 5 year old self.
Not your 14 year old self.
Not your 24 and a half year old self.
I AM here.
& I wont leave.
& I won't ignore your pain.
I AM healing.
I AM love.
Love is the first and greatest commandment. Love me. Love them. And yes, I will help you learn to love them more.
Remember child, ALL things work together for GOOD. I know you were wounded at Bay Life. I know you blame them for many things.
let.
it.
go.
It will destroy you if you try to hang onto your hurts and anger.
You already know this.
Take it.
All of it.
I am drowning in the past, even while you call me to live in the present.
Save me, Lord!
Give me your heart of love and compassion.
of forgiveness.
Oh God my Father. My helper.
Thank you for your unending love.
Thank you for helping me today and everyday.
Help me, oh help me.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Doors
close]
& open [
for me, they've mostly stayed closed for the past 2 years.
Granted it was my self-[w]ill that caused much of my pain.
Yesterday morning was...testing.
I didn't get the job I interview for on Tuesday.
[I got a "Dear Jessica" e-mail instead]
My unemployment started paying me less
And somebody smashed my trash bin.
[always a lovely start to a morning]
& I thought "Is nothing sacred?"
God, you want me to trust you--and I do--but why is it so hard right now?
Why am I so stuck?
6 months.
180 days + and [not] counting.
Pacing outside.
Lifting weights.
Dancing it out.
Praying.
[crying]
Back inside.
Restless.
Seeking guidance [half]hearted
I opened my Bible on my desk and then started to pull up the daily devotional I read online.
A few minutes later, I felt I should look at where I opened my Bible to. [see previous post for connection]
Isaiah 35 [some verses omitted for the sake of space]
Even the wilderness and desert will rejoice in those days; the desert will blossom with flowers.
Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy!
With this news bring cheer to all discouraged ones. Encourage those who are afraid. Tell them,
"Be strong, fear not, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you."
And when He comes, He will open the eyes of the blind, and unstop the ears of the deaf. The lame man will leap up like a deer, and those who could not speak will shout and sing! Springs will burst forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert.
And a main road will go through that once-deserted land; it will be named "The Holy Highway." No evil-hearted men may walk upon it. God will walk there with you; even the most stupid cannot miss the way.
No lion will lurk along its course, nor will there be any other dangers; only the redeemed will travel there. These, the ransomed of the Lord, will go home along that road to Zion, singing the songs of the everlasting joy.
For them all sorrow and all sighing will be gone forever; only joy and gladness will be there."
::
::
And just like that--I was reminded of His unfailing love and mercy.
I went into Metropolitan Ministries and besides having a productive work day, I also had an interview set up for Monday for a Volunteer Coordinator position. It's only part-time, and I intend to be completely honest about my previous job and current financial situation. There's a rumor that I'm going to get the job--everyone was asking me about it.
Then I went to Lakeland for church--but regular church was canceled.
but I did get to see DM. [yay!] Books and coffee shops and long talks and walking...*contented sigh*
SO what started out as an awful day, turned into something good. I believe God's word.
And I believe He is here with me in the wilderness.
& open [
for me, they've mostly stayed closed for the past 2 years.
Granted it was my self-[w]ill that caused much of my pain.
Yesterday morning was...testing.
I didn't get the job I interview for on Tuesday.
[I got a "Dear Jessica" e-mail instead]
My unemployment started paying me less
And somebody smashed my trash bin.
[always a lovely start to a morning]
& I thought "Is nothing sacred?"
God, you want me to trust you--and I do--but why is it so hard right now?
Why am I so stuck?
6 months.
180 days + and [not] counting.
Pacing outside.
Lifting weights.
Dancing it out.
Praying.
[crying]
Back inside.
Restless.
Seeking guidance [half]hearted
I opened my Bible on my desk and then started to pull up the daily devotional I read online.
A few minutes later, I felt I should look at where I opened my Bible to. [see previous post for connection]
Isaiah 35 [some verses omitted for the sake of space]
Even the wilderness and desert will rejoice in those days; the desert will blossom with flowers.
Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy!
With this news bring cheer to all discouraged ones. Encourage those who are afraid. Tell them,
"Be strong, fear not, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you."
And when He comes, He will open the eyes of the blind, and unstop the ears of the deaf. The lame man will leap up like a deer, and those who could not speak will shout and sing! Springs will burst forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert.
And a main road will go through that once-deserted land; it will be named "The Holy Highway." No evil-hearted men may walk upon it. God will walk there with you; even the most stupid cannot miss the way.
No lion will lurk along its course, nor will there be any other dangers; only the redeemed will travel there. These, the ransomed of the Lord, will go home along that road to Zion, singing the songs of the everlasting joy.
For them all sorrow and all sighing will be gone forever; only joy and gladness will be there."
::
::
And just like that--I was reminded of His unfailing love and mercy.
I went into Metropolitan Ministries and besides having a productive work day, I also had an interview set up for Monday for a Volunteer Coordinator position. It's only part-time, and I intend to be completely honest about my previous job and current financial situation. There's a rumor that I'm going to get the job--everyone was asking me about it.
Then I went to Lakeland for church--but regular church was canceled.
but I did get to see DM. [yay!] Books and coffee shops and long talks and walking...*contented sigh*
SO what started out as an awful day, turned into something good. I believe God's word.
And I believe He is here with me in the wilderness.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Hosea
[song by Luke Wood--register to download it free and a whole AMAZING Free Worship Album from IHOP]
I remember when I led you out of Egypt, my love.
Through the dry and desert places we once walked, my love.
How could I forget the kindness of your youth, my love?
I remember the covenant we made, my love.
And though you forget me, I will not forget you.
And though you forget me, I will yet allure you.
For I said long ago I would hedge up your way.
Put thorns on every side, and now you wonder why you're feeling pain.
I am building all around you a wall of resistance.
But it's unto your redemption and it comes through true repentance.
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
But this time it ends in the Garden of Eden
I remember when I led you out of bondage, my love.
Wonderful things I did your sight, my love.
My own special treasure, and yes!
On you--I've set my love.
But the more you were called, the more you went astray...
And though you forget me, I will not forget you.
And though you forget me, I will yet allure you.
As in the days of your youth, once again you will sing
Like when I brought you out of Egypt and carried you on eagle's wings
And in the latter days you will fear the Lord and tremble at my goodness
Who is this leaning on her Beloved, coming from the Wilderness?
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
But this time it ends in the Garden of Eden
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.
That dry and desert place will blossom like a rose
And that valley of shame will be a door of Hope!
I remember when I led you out of Egypt, my love.
Through the dry and desert places we once walked, my love.
How could I forget the kindness of your youth, my love?
I remember the covenant we made, my love.
And though you forget me, I will not forget you.
And though you forget me, I will yet allure you.
For I said long ago I would hedge up your way.
Put thorns on every side, and now you wonder why you're feeling pain.
I am building all around you a wall of resistance.
But it's unto your redemption and it comes through true repentance.
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
But this time it ends in the Garden of Eden
I remember when I led you out of bondage, my love.
Wonderful things I did your sight, my love.
My own special treasure, and yes!
On you--I've set my love.
But the more you were called, the more you went astray...
And though you forget me, I will not forget you.
And though you forget me, I will yet allure you.
As in the days of your youth, once again you will sing
Like when I brought you out of Egypt and carried you on eagle's wings
And in the latter days you will fear the Lord and tremble at my goodness
Who is this leaning on her Beloved, coming from the Wilderness?
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
But this time it ends in the Garden of Eden
We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.
That dry and desert place will blossom like a rose
And that valley of shame will be a door of Hope!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
i HAVE to believe...
And we know (see or to perceive by any of the senses) that all things (everything) work together (partner/co-labor with; synergy ) for GOOD to them that love (agape) God, to them who are the called (the divinely appointed; the invited to the banquet of God) according to His purpose (setting forth).
-Romans 8:28
-Romans 8:28
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Thoughts on working with the transgendered population:
To me, I think most gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered individuals have heard that what they are doing is "sick, wrong, evil" etc. I think they have especially heard those kind of things from people who call themselves Christians.
The underlying issue is not that their sexually "confused."
The underlying need is not some "name it, claim it, God will make you straight if you quit living in sin" deal.
These are real people.
What they need from [real] Christians is:
.love.
[God's love]
not condemnation.
Let's be clear:
Sin is sin.
Overeating, lying, being a bad steward of our money and time, and sexual immorality (both hetero and homo)---they're all the same.
Brokenness is still brokenness--no matter the form.
Freedom for most of us, is a process--it takes baby steps and love and encouragement to move forward to the freedom Jesus gives. Most of us come into a relationship with Christ carrying some wounds and baggage.
God will deal with issues in His timing.
We need to be sensitive to this.
Judgmental spirits and our preconceived hierarchy of sin will only cause more damage.
We aren't doing God any favors by treating GLBT people with contempt.
Just because their brokenness is more obvious than others doesn't mean we should point at it.
[oh our log-filled eyes!]
God,
I want to love.
BIG
I want to give.
MORE
I want to grace and encourage the hurting.
As I work with the homeless, the hungry, the mentally ill, the HIV+, the GLBT, the battered and abused, immigrants, and those in desperate financial need--let me be Your hands. Your feet.
Oh God, give me words of life to share to the hurting. Help me be sensitive to your Spirit so I can convey your gentle kindness.
Help me to be light and salt.
Remind me to pray always in the spirit.
Thank you for your love.
Please let me be a seed-planter...a hope-giver...a light-maker
to the lost
to the dying
to the hurting
to the needy
to the broken
to Your children.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Pesach, Anniversaries and Fraternity
I ♥ Pesach (Passover).
I love how what we refer to as Maundy Thursday or the Last Supper is really just Jesus fulfilling Jewish prophecy.
I love that when he was speaking of it being His body and blood it was during the third cup of wine (grape juice) which is the Cup of Redemption.
I love that the Afikomen demonstrates Jesus--broken bread, hidden, then brought to light again.
I love the concept of Dayenu (it would have been sufficient).
I love that Jesus became our Pesach lamb.
:::
:::
Anniversaries
Today is my parents' 33rd anniversary.
They are still very much in love.
33 years ago they stood in line to get married.
A few hours later, they had another ceremony
[to which my dad was late]
I love how they love each other, even though it's still weird for me because I'm their kid.
I want a marriage love like theirs.
:::
:::
Fraternity
Wake up!!!
Oh Please, Wake up!!
The house is on fire, WAKE UP!!!
I'm holding my breath for both of us, but my lungs feel like they're going to burst.
In the past 9 years, Jaime, you've just about used up all your 9 lives.
Jaime.
JAIME!!!
-sickness and surgeries
-3 tours of Iraq
-gunner off the back of a helicopter
-in helicopter crash where plane chopped in half in midair
-found staged suicide fellow Marine
-tour of Afghanistan
-ambulance runs for wounded/dead soldiers
-one of closest friends died in car accident
-Jonathan's accident
And now this.
Drunk driver hits you. He goes to jail and your car goes to the shop.
And you?
YOU.STILL.DONT.GET.IT.
God wants you back. And each time, he's graciously spared you from almost all physical harm.
You get scratches and bruises while others get body bags.
How much longer until something like what happened to Jonathan happens to you?
When will your 9 lives run out?
Will I get a call about you one day?
God wants your attention, Jaime.
And instead of re-turning to God, you get angrier and set your face like flint against God.
Jaime...my pet name for you...Jaime.
Your whole life--God has been chasing you--and so have I.
Jaime, I've always wanted something to tie us together because DNA has never been enough of a bond for us.
The bonds of fraternity are tenuous.
I want more.
& every time I see you, it's like you're a stranger.
A stranger with shared DNA.
& I know your phone was on, because I was taking a nap at mom's when you called her.
[why won't you talk to me?]
I've always loved you--through the tattling and terror--
I say, "I love you," when we do talk on the phone-
at least 8 times out of 10, you don't say "I love you" back.
[that hurts]
And you'll never read this.
And if you ever did, you'd sigh really loudly and get defensive.
I just want you to know freedom for once in your life.
It's not in the bottom of a bottle, or in bed or in work or anything except Jesus Christ.
I just want you to know your family loves you in spite of our flaws--including Dad.
I just want you to know:
I love you.
I love how what we refer to as Maundy Thursday or the Last Supper is really just Jesus fulfilling Jewish prophecy.
I love that when he was speaking of it being His body and blood it was during the third cup of wine (grape juice) which is the Cup of Redemption.
I love that the Afikomen demonstrates Jesus--broken bread, hidden, then brought to light again.
I love the concept of Dayenu (it would have been sufficient).
I love that Jesus became our Pesach lamb.
:::
:::
Anniversaries
Today is my parents' 33rd anniversary.
They are still very much in love.
33 years ago they stood in line to get married.
A few hours later, they had another ceremony
[to which my dad was late]
I love how they love each other, even though it's still weird for me because I'm their kid.
I want a marriage love like theirs.
:::
:::
Fraternity
Wake up!!!
Oh Please, Wake up!!
The house is on fire, WAKE UP!!!
I'm holding my breath for both of us, but my lungs feel like they're going to burst.
In the past 9 years, Jaime, you've just about used up all your 9 lives.
Jaime.
JAIME!!!
-sickness and surgeries
-3 tours of Iraq
-gunner off the back of a helicopter
-in helicopter crash where plane chopped in half in midair
-found staged suicide fellow Marine
-tour of Afghanistan
-ambulance runs for wounded/dead soldiers
-one of closest friends died in car accident
-Jonathan's accident
And now this.
Drunk driver hits you. He goes to jail and your car goes to the shop.
And you?
YOU.STILL.DONT.GET.IT.
God wants you back. And each time, he's graciously spared you from almost all physical harm.
You get scratches and bruises while others get body bags.
How much longer until something like what happened to Jonathan happens to you?
When will your 9 lives run out?
Will I get a call about you one day?
God wants your attention, Jaime.
And instead of re-turning to God, you get angrier and set your face like flint against God.
Jaime...my pet name for you...Jaime.
Your whole life--God has been chasing you--and so have I.
Jaime, I've always wanted something to tie us together because DNA has never been enough of a bond for us.
The bonds of fraternity are tenuous.
I want more.
& every time I see you, it's like you're a stranger.
A stranger with shared DNA.
& I know your phone was on, because I was taking a nap at mom's when you called her.
[why won't you talk to me?]
I've always loved you--through the tattling and terror--
I say, "I love you," when we do talk on the phone-
at least 8 times out of 10, you don't say "I love you" back.
[that hurts]
And you'll never read this.
And if you ever did, you'd sigh really loudly and get defensive.
I just want you to know freedom for once in your life.
It's not in the bottom of a bottle, or in bed or in work or anything except Jesus Christ.
I just want you to know your family loves you in spite of our flaws--including Dad.
I just want you to know:
I love you.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Because of God...
who has faithfully kept his word,
The Holy of Israel, who has chosen you.
God also says:
When the time's ripe, I answer you.
When victory's due, I help you.
I form you and use you
to reconnect the people with me,
to put the land in order,
to resettle families on the ruined properties.
I tell prisoners, "Come on out. You're free!"
and those huddled in fear, "It's all right. It's safe now."
There'll be foodstands along all the roads,
picnics on the hills--
Nobody hungry, nobody thirsty,
shade from the sun, shelter from the wind.
For the Compassionate One guides them,
takes them to the best springs.
Heavens, raise the roof!
Earth, wake the dead!
Mountains, send up cheers!
God has comforted his people.
He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people.
The Message
Isaiah 49:7-11, 13
The Holy of Israel, who has chosen you.
God also says:
When the time's ripe, I answer you.
When victory's due, I help you.
I form you and use you
to reconnect the people with me,
to put the land in order,
to resettle families on the ruined properties.
I tell prisoners, "Come on out. You're free!"
and those huddled in fear, "It's all right. It's safe now."
There'll be foodstands along all the roads,
picnics on the hills--
Nobody hungry, nobody thirsty,
shade from the sun, shelter from the wind.
For the Compassionate One guides them,
takes them to the best springs.
Heavens, raise the roof!
Earth, wake the dead!
Mountains, send up cheers!
God has comforted his people.
He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people.
The Message
Isaiah 49:7-11, 13
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
April's desires
It is April.
I have so much on my heart--so many burdens I keep giving back to the Lord.
I've found the job I want to do--and I love doing it.
The only problem is, I'm not getting paid.
I love volunteering at Metropolitan Ministries.
I love the old black ladies on staff, with their love, hugs and big smiles.
I love working in the kitchen, the market, Outreach, prayer card project. I want to try tutoring in Adult Education and working with the Academy and GED programs and also with counseling clients.
I love how the counselors treat the clients with respect--homeless, ex-cons, homosexuals, transvestites, people with obvious addictions and emotional/spiritual problems.
I love how the passion for the lost isn't about beating the Gospel into someone's head or confusing them with Christian-ese.
I love stacking canned goods and talking to residents.
I love that Metropolitan Ministries has residents or else there would be more people living on the streets.
I love that the residents are required to volunteer in different areas within MM.
I love seeing hope come into the eyes of a woman with 5 kids and no food as she sees her shopping cart fill up with groceries that she picked out.
I love how the staff loves Jesus.
I love the flexibility and practicality of Metropolitan Ministries.
I like that I can do something different every time I come...that is if someone hasn't "reserved" me to help them.
I love being able to say "God bless you" and really meaning it.
This--This is what I want to do.
This is real ministry to me--hands-on, messy, practical--tired feet and prayerful heart.
I have about ZERO desire to job hunt anymore. I'm doing what I want to do in life, and it's interesting and heart-breaking and encouraging and strenuous and purposeful.
We're supposed to feed the hungry, heal the sick, clothe the naked, help the needy and orphans and widows (single moms too). That is the Gospel--the Good News in tangible form.
But.
I just can't live off unemployment forever. I could technically be one of the people there RECEIVING services, not extending services.
I'm still stuck.
I've been allowed to move forward in volunteering with MM, but not with work (the Youth and Family Alternatives didn't call me back)
And after working here, I can't take a ho-hum, answering phones or flipping burgers kind of job. I don't think I'm supposed to either.
But it's April.
And in a few weeks, it will be 6 months since I lost my job.
6 months.
It really hurts sometimes.
[especially lately]
It's really lonely sometimes.
[especially lately]
I just pray that God will open a door for me and make it abundantly clear that it's what I need to do.
I have so much on my heart--so many burdens I keep giving back to the Lord.
I've found the job I want to do--and I love doing it.
The only problem is, I'm not getting paid.
I love volunteering at Metropolitan Ministries.
I love the old black ladies on staff, with their love, hugs and big smiles.
I love working in the kitchen, the market, Outreach, prayer card project. I want to try tutoring in Adult Education and working with the Academy and GED programs and also with counseling clients.
I love how the counselors treat the clients with respect--homeless, ex-cons, homosexuals, transvestites, people with obvious addictions and emotional/spiritual problems.
I love how the passion for the lost isn't about beating the Gospel into someone's head or confusing them with Christian-ese.
I love stacking canned goods and talking to residents.
I love that Metropolitan Ministries has residents or else there would be more people living on the streets.
I love that the residents are required to volunteer in different areas within MM.
I love seeing hope come into the eyes of a woman with 5 kids and no food as she sees her shopping cart fill up with groceries that she picked out.
I love how the staff loves Jesus.
I love the flexibility and practicality of Metropolitan Ministries.
I like that I can do something different every time I come...that is if someone hasn't "reserved" me to help them.
I love being able to say "God bless you" and really meaning it.
This--This is what I want to do.
This is real ministry to me--hands-on, messy, practical--tired feet and prayerful heart.
I have about ZERO desire to job hunt anymore. I'm doing what I want to do in life, and it's interesting and heart-breaking and encouraging and strenuous and purposeful.
We're supposed to feed the hungry, heal the sick, clothe the naked, help the needy and orphans and widows (single moms too). That is the Gospel--the Good News in tangible form.
But.
I just can't live off unemployment forever. I could technically be one of the people there RECEIVING services, not extending services.
I'm still stuck.
I've been allowed to move forward in volunteering with MM, but not with work (the Youth and Family Alternatives didn't call me back)
And after working here, I can't take a ho-hum, answering phones or flipping burgers kind of job. I don't think I'm supposed to either.
But it's April.
And in a few weeks, it will be 6 months since I lost my job.
6 months.
It really hurts sometimes.
[especially lately]
It's really lonely sometimes.
[especially lately]
I just pray that God will open a door for me and make it abundantly clear that it's what I need to do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)