Happy Memorial Day, Hermano...

I've written pages about you, James.

[pages you've never seen because you would create a scene]

Jim, Jimbo, Jim-Bob, Jaimes, Jaime, Jaimers, Jimmy, Bubba...

3 months went by.

You ignored my calls.

I heard you told someone we're both very close to that you couldn't talk to me anymore--
that you didn't know me.
that you couldn't relate to me b/c you work your ass off and I'm [was] unemployed, living off the government.

But you--you throb through my veins.
You're like a toothache that never goes away.

Strange that a stranger leaves me with such a toothache of the soul.

And when I'm sufficiently hurt and sad and disillusioned--then you break through like a big brother should--like a hero.

[I didn't expect you to call me back]

& I certainly didn't expect you to talk to me for almost 30 minutes with such animation.

I was so scared to break the spell...
...delirious with joy that we were actually speaking...

& when you said you loved me..

[toothache wildly throbbing]

You know and I know that you don't say "I love you" often.

& suddenly, it's like the bridge is back!

You even mentioned Jules and I coming to stay with you this summer--you actually invited me back into your life!

I don't know whether I should be offended or not b/c you've only done it since I've become employed and am back in "normal standing" with society.

I just know that you actually suggested that we spend time together.

How long will this spell last?

Should I brace myself now for you to shut me out and mock my lifestyle choices?

Or should I just accept this change and plunge back into relationship with you (as much as you let someone plunge--more like wading through puddles)?

You've let me down so much, big brother.

& I love you so much.

Even though you're drinking like a horse and living with a married woman.

Ahem.

What I guess I'm really trying to say, is I love you.

And I'm glad you're back in the US.

I'm glad you're alive on this Memorial Day.

I'm thankful for your service to our country, even if I don't believe in the efforts you've been fighting in and the way our country runs our military...

Happy Memorial Day, James.

Mercies are new every morning

I will sing of your mercies that lead me through valleys of sorrow, to rivers of joy...

God is so faithful.

When my tire blew out on Hillsborough Ave., God kept me safe and sent me help to put on the new tire.

When a week later one of my other tires blew out on I-4 during rush hour, God kept me safe...kept my car on the road until I could get off on the next exit....and sent me help to put on the donut.

While I've been without health insurance for over 6 months, God has kept my lungs from calling quits on me. I haven't needed my lung medicine hardly at all...and 6 months later, I still have some Spiriva left.

When I wasn't sure how I could live on unemployment, God made that money go further then I thought possible. I haven't been late on any bills or rent, and I've always had enough for groceries without delving into my savings.

When I needed a job, He had one custom-made for me at a company I love and respect.

And today!

What mercy!

My jaw, tooth and gums have been inflamed and very painful. I went into my parent's endontist, and they gave me a discount on my exam and x-ray yesterday. Today, the doctor thought I might need a root canal--an expensive (and painful) procedure, as well as antibiotics for the infection that was present.

We'd been praying I wouldn't need one--speaking life into the roots of my mouth.

I didn't need a root canal.

And the buildup work he did which normally cost 4 to 6 hundred dollars?

He did it for free.

And the exam for the rest of my teeth next week?

It will also be free.

And the infection?

It's clearing up and I won't need an antibiotic.

He's a man of God--we prayed together before he began working on my mouth. He says there's still a potential the tooth will go bad, but I'm praying it won't. And if you'd pray with me for my mouth and jaw, I'd appreciate it too. I still need to get a permanent crown on it next week too.

But I really just wanted to share with you all how faithful God has been. David talks about sharing God's miraculous wonders with the community, and I want to share with the community too.

He is good.

He does answer prayers.

I am so thankful for His great mercy and love.

Be blessed!

A Story of Redemption and Restoration

Sorry it's taken me a few days to write this, but I did want to share with you the faithfulness of the God I serve!

First, I'd like to thank those of you who have prayed for me, or sent me job postings or let me use you as a reference--I truly appreciate your support during this time of my life. Thank you!!

For those of you who aren't aware, Rebecca P and some other friends and I volunteered at Metropolitan Ministries during their ginormous holiday event. Once the New Year came, Becca and I decided we wanted to volunteer throughout the year.

So we went in. One of the first people we met was Scott [my new boss]. We hit it off wonderfully, and he told me to look at the job openings they had. At the time, they didn't have anything that would fit what I was looking for.

I started volunteering regularly, several times a week, in the Outreach department or in the kitchen. I've done a little bit of everything: washed and seasoned 40lbs of frozen chicken, helping with the front desk, typing up thousands of prayer requests from our clients, manned the phones, stock the shelves with food, sorted the bread and pastry deliveries, sat in to learn counseling....

You name it, I've probably done it.

I've cried over some of the situations I've seen with our clients.

I've been blessed by some of our clients, stressed by others.

I've received many marriage proposals from clients.

[clients = families in need, the homeless, etc]

I've laughed and cried and prayed and come home with sore feet and tired body...and it's been so wonderful.

So anyway....I applied for a volunteer coordinator position--but it was only part-time. The pay would have been less than my unemployment, consequently and I didn't have peace.

I turned it down.

So a few days later, Scott asks me if I'd be interested in working with the residential teens (we have 40+ families living on campus--these are families who became homeless for any number of reasons). I said, "Sure."

The next day, I talked to Patrick (my other new boss) very informally about working with the teen program. He said he wasn't sure about hiring 2 part-time people and had to propose it to the financial department.

I figured this would take a while.

The very next day, HR called me to offer me a job: 20 hours a week with Scott in Volunteer Coordinating, and 20 hours a week with Patrick with the teen program.

I felt peace.

These wonderful people custom-made a job for me and put it together and hired me with a few short days. Everyone was ecstatic for me. All the staff and volunteers in Outreach were hugging and congratulating me.

I talked to Scott on Wednesday, he had me talk to Patrick on Thursday. On Friday they offered me the job, and I started on Monday, May 11th at 7:45am!!

God is faithful. I thank and praise God for allowing me this opportunity to work with a company I love...with staff I love...doing things I love to help the hurting. Their mission is to continue the ministry of Jesus Christ in helping the needy.

I love that.

I'm a part of that [officially] now.

& it's exciting.

After the way my last job tossed me out with the trash, to be welcomed with such love and jubilation...well, I cried. And laughed. And then cried and laughed.

So check out my bio on the Metro Min website!

A David Prayer

I admit:

I've been praying David prayers.

"Lord!! My enemies!! See what they've done! See how they've lied and mistreated me!! Avenge me, God! Judge them and take up the cause of my justice! Pour your vengeance on my enemies, oh God of my salvation!"

um.

What happens when he answers these kinds of prayers?

When do we pray for God to avenge us, opposed to God giving us supernatural forgiveness and grace to just let it go?

Because my enemies?

They are losing their biggest (ahem, only) client in the next 60 days. Which devastates the company. No more days of ease...even if they do contract with new clients.

[vengeance being served?]

Because I sure prayed for it.

So do I feel bad that all those people may lose their jobs? Or may get new client work they don't like?

Or do I thank God for vengeance?

I feel a little guilty here.

I generally try not to think about what happened to me. It's still so sore.
[r--a--w]

I don't want people who have not wronged me to lose their jobs.

I just feel so exhausted and wide open tonight.
I feel spent.

Dad flying up to SC b/c Grandpa hasn't been getting better quickly.
The last clients of the day I had at MM that needed housing for the night--and the limited help I could provide them.
My regrets and guilt about my relationship with my grandparents.
The idea that the only way I'd see my brother is if something tragic happened to someone in our family.
And then trying to process this...this news about my old job.

I just feel spent tonight, God.

i.am.all.poured.out.

[fill me?]

I need you.

b/c tonight I'm falling apart and I want to stay put-together.

But I trust in your unending mercy and love.

Rend[h]er

Jesus said to take up our cross daily.

[ I understand that intellectually ]

but the whole "needing to surrender" thing--
it.grips.me.

Letting go.
Relinquishing.

Oh God.

I'm frail
I fail.
I rail.

I am f[r]ail.

I cried and cried on my way to the beach tonight.
Letting this song wash over me.

I have to give you everything
And then the yoke is easy.

I have to give you everything.
And then the burden is light.

And oh--the peace!
Of pure abandon!

And oh--the joy!
Of sweet surrender!

Cuz if I try to save my life, I'll lose it,
But if I lose my life for your sake, I'll find it in end.

I'll find it in the end....

Life is found in the laying down. (Happy Holiness)
Joy is found in the tearing of the heart (Joyful Righteousness)

Life is found in the letting go. (Happy Holiness)
Joy is found in the tearing of the heart. (Joyful Righteousness)

Happy Holiness.
Joyful Righteousness in the laying down.
In the letting go.

Your peace is found.

I have to get this.

Life depends on the letting go.

So today, I have to let go of:

• my bitter disappointment in not getting the djembe

• my sadness over the fact that the only time my brother picks up the phone for me, is when he answers it in his sleep.

• my fear and confusion over having a crush for the first time in 6 months.

Sir, Rend Her Heart.

Surrender heart.