Jaime.

How many times have I written about you?
[countless]

I've spent most of my life writing about you.

The headlines on my iGoogle homepage are about 2 different plane crashes.
That and with seeing Jonathan today, I can't get you out of my head.

Is this a precursor to parenthood?

This desire to silently scream "learn!!! learn!!!" "You've got to understand this!!"

You see death, and discount it. Or push it under. Something.

What you don't seem to do is really take a good, long look at your own fragility.
Your own mortality.

Dying

It's the nights where you toss and turn in pain...
...that lead to the mornings where you wake up exhausted.

"I'm dying."  Those two days I felt semi-human last week?

Still a Cynic...

I've made a deep discovery:  I know why I don't write.

I don't know HOW to write about being actually happy.

Sure, there's a lot of stuff going wrong in my life right now...but overall, I'm pretty content.

And I do NOT know how to write about it.

Take my wedding day for example -- I've been telling myself to write about it since day 3 of marriage. I had my journal on the honeymoon and was sick and tired with plenty of optimal time to sit and write out all the beautiful details of the best day of my life.

But I didn't.

I'm 4 months in and I still haven't.

I also haven't watched the long-version of our wedding video.  I just...can't...

I don't know what to do with happiness and joy.

The only times this year I've been tempted to write have been when life has been a bitch to me.

Like my ears and lungs....or my sex life...or my need to forgive people...or my desire to go back to work.

But I can't write.

And it's systematic of this much deeper problem -- I don't know how to stop and record happiness.

I haven't taken hardly any pictures since I got engaged, besides the professional ones.  Ben and I have gone out on dates, we had a honeymoon, we've had plenty of time to take moments of this early joy of sharing life.

And I don't capture it.

I don't want to be one of those people that only looks at life through the lens of their cameraphone.  But I do think that given my penchant for photography, I should be out taking pictures.

What am I afraid of?

Why am I hiding my happiness?

Why do I only share the darkness?

I wanted to write today about some really tough stuff we're going through, but no, I have to admit this first problem to myself.

Jessica,

It is good and right to take delight in the joys that life brings.  Cataloging it won't make it disappear.  Sharing the joy won't diminish it.  Do you only want to have journals and blogs filled with pain?  Do you not want to share the love and joy in your heart with others?

I know you're afraid of having to face your past again.  I know you're afraid of losing Ben.  I know you're not sure what to do with your life with God right now.

But don't be the girl that only bleeds and screams and hurts.  Be the girl that also loves, rejoices, triumphs.

You need to get out and take pictures. The tabebuia are blooming early this year.  I know last year was rough and they didn't bloom until April and you had lost Ben and Gio and a major work battle.  This year isn't the same.

Be thankful. And yes, take a look at the serious, hurting stuff too.  But share any little joy you may have.

God, can we just face this and be done?

Can I trust you to take me through this round of Shadowlands?

I need to.  I need YOU.


Help me to trust you.

- Trust that we WILL get through this.
- Trust that I am not alone in this.
- Trust that you have a plan in this.
-

Psalm 70

Oh God, Hurry to save me; Eternal One, hurry to my side. 

Of onions & brokenness

oh God.

I'm running and running and running...

& the lungs of my heart hurt....

Why won't I go and be alone with you?

Why am I postponing this doctor's appointment with the Healer?


[because]

How many times do I have to go through this?

How many times will my heart break?

How long, oh Lord?


This thing is my onion, with never-ending layers and tear keep streaming and streaming.

I am so tired of crying over this onion.




What does surrender mean?

What does it even look like?


I am haunted

by memories
by dreams
by my life


I thought each time it would be easier...and the last time we did this song and dance it was the hardest yet.  It lasted a few dark years where I drank to keep the insanity at bay.  I raged and cried and died daily...died to you or to me?  I don't know.


I only know that I've spent yet another week hiding from this.

It affects our relationship, God.


And the big difference between this onion layer and all the others is that I have this husband you gave me to consider.

I want to run away.

Please help me.

New years day

It's the first day of 2014 and it's time to begin the dig.

the descent.

The descent is the decent thing to do...the life-giving thing to do.

And yet I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of who I am.
I'm afraid of what will need to change.
I'm afraid of reigniting pains I've managed to stuff down.
I'm afraid I'll break again.
I'm afraid I won't be a good wife.


So God, I know 2014 is destined to be a year that goes deep into my heart.  My cringing selfish little heart.

Help me to come out into the light.

The Day I Stopped Writing

& before I can move forward and marry this man, I must consolidate.

[console i myself on dates long past]

As I sit on the floor going through box after box of journals and poems and papers and notes, I see ME staring up from the pages.

& I realize:

I haven't written in years.

Not even when I had Gio did I truly write.

I didn't try to purge my soul.  I didn't pen things I would be terrified for others to read.  I didn't...

...didn't...

& now?

I feel a shock of numbness. A jolting overload.

underload?

The Deep End of Fear & Shame

& so here I am: back here.  For the first time in a long, long time.

But there are things stirring deep within that are not for everyone to read over @ my website.

Things from this realm, this lovely distant land that I wandered from into a wilderness of agony.  And there are things from that realm of agony that touch on the edges of this land too as I lie trapped in the middle of the old new me and the new old me.

Things like

Surrender = Sir, rend her.

Sir, rend her heart so she can truly, finally surrender.

And so I stand in the valley of the shadow of life, with all my ancient woundings and plain-old tiredness shaking their shackles like horror movie villains.

And I?

I decide to air my deepest fears and shames. Or more aptly, err my deepest fear.

[deep breath]

#1:  I don't want to be a mom.  I don't want to be a mom!! It burst out of me in the quiet of my shower, the only quiet I get some days.  I want to turn  in my "mom badge" and call it quits.  I've had a good run, but now I'm tired and I'm selfish and I don't know how to keep doing this mom thing.  It was foolish of me to embark on this journey without a husband at my side. I can't be his mom...I can't be a good mom.

#2: I don't want to work anymore.  I've been through "SMH" to borrow the youngster's slang. I have worked long hours and long weeks at a ministry I both adore and dread. I cannot picture leaving anymore than I can picture staying.  And so I am starting a new position soon, but not before moving offices twice (still on one leg) and finishing out this busiest of seasons in my old role. I can't keep giving all me away. My close friend teased me, "Do you want to retire already?"  Of course not -- there is so much to do, so much passion and purpose bottled up in this little person.  Which leads me to...

#3: I want a break.  At least one month, maybe longer.  Do all people feel this way?  I am ashamed to feel this need, this longing so desperately. How can other people do this day in and day out? And raise a family? I've only been a mom for 4 months and in my current job for 3.5 years and I am flat-out DONE. Toast.  Each day is a new journey into "his mercies are new every morning". I don't want to be someone's boss, someone's employee, someone's mom or...

#4: I can't handle a serious relationship.  If being a mom has taught me one thing, it's that I am utterly, inherently selfish.  My deepest fear is that I only love the way he loves me...not love him for who he is deep inside.  There are so many little things about him that I know I don't love...and I'm sure that must be true of all couples, right?  ....right?  They are the dumb things, the things I'd be embarrassed to voice. They are trivial and I wonder at my own self-centered, self-righteous ways and think that he loves me for me..and I don't know how to love like that.

#5: I'm a martyr, a fake, an attention-getter, and a downright selfish, hurtful person.  Where did I ever get the arrogant idea that I would help others?  Work at a ministry, volunteer, foster parent, on and on -- why? Is the compulsion truly from God or is it from somewhere else?

#6: I can't be the only one in the world who feels like this, but it does feel like most of my friends don't have this struggle...at least not like this.  Will I ever learn to get out of crisis mode?

#7: I used to have a more passionate, vibrant relationship with Christ...and now it seems if I do talk to him, it's only when I really need something.  I know the cliches and I know the platitudes, but what I don't know is how to actually, truly get to where I need to be with him.

And so it brings me back to surrender.  Sir, rend her.

And I am rent and restless and wrecked and worked up.And these things keep pressing my insides with each swing of the crutches I take. I cringe as the hot-poker of Truth meets the sharp knife of Shame.

I want to be through this.  I actually want to be more normal. My soul runs deep, carrying my heart and mind into the shadowlands as I both search for and hide from the Light.

Oh to sojourn in the valley of the shadow of life! And yet there is a part of me that isn't quite willing to say "Do what you will to me, Lord."

Oh God, of all the things I could pray for out of my deepest fears and shames and hurts, I pray you will make me willing and hungry to be who you want me to be...to be like you.

Hope:

Hope does not make us ashamed
Rom 5

We are saved by hope--hope in the unseen.
Rom. 8:24-25

God is the God of Hope.
Rom. 15

We wait for the Hope of righteousness by faith.
2. Cor. 10:15

F[air]

head in a fog
body like a log
exhaling smog
[still i blog]

--Air

Lack of AIR
doesn't seem
FAIR

but I DARE say that FAIR is a matter of perception

SO.

not wanting to face deception....

I hand over my perception

to the Maker of AIR
of FAIR

on whom I should cast all my CARE

:::
:::

As my body continues to attack me
I will wait
TRUST
hold on

Because you love me.

You work everything for good.

He spoke the word that healed you,
that pulled you back from the brink of death.

So thank GOD for His marvelous love,
for His miracle mercy to the children He loves.

& then? twenty-ten.

re[solutions] and [go]als.

I did pretty well on my goals last year.
[glory to God]

This year I will:

1. Keep going forward with Jesus. No stopping. No backtracking.
-read/study Bible
-pray/intercede
-obey/trust
-wait/hope

2. Chastity.
-no unholy physical/emotional relationships
-cut out sexual innuendos and inappropriate actions/words


3. Sobriety from alcohol.
-(drunkeness in the Spirit allowed)

4. Exercise at least 2x a week.
-build muscle
-tone
-lose fat mass

5. Grow musically.
-learn scales and progressions
-play piano at least 1 hr a week
-get involved in TCC School of Art
-keep singing/playing at TCC

6. Be healthy.
-eat well
-rest/sleep
-stress less

7. Grow artistically
-paint more
-take a dance class
-write more consistently

2010, let's be friends.

I want to live and not just talk about living.
I want to passionately pursue God.
I want to grow and learn and become the person I'm supposed to be.

of eggs & perfection

"The first job each morning consists simply in shoving them [all your wishes and hope] back; in listening to that other voice...letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.

We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be spreading through our system... When He said 'Be perfect,' He meant it.

It is hard; but the sort of compromise we are all hankering after is harder--in fact, it is impossible.

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg.

We are all like eggs are present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."

-C. S. Lewis
Mere Christianity

[good]bye, 2009

[bitter]sweet

loss & gain
give & take

a year of chastity
a year of staying on track
a year of seeking the Lord
a year of waiting
of growth
of change

I looked at my resolutions from this year.

God, they mostly came true.

But I feel...
well, not great.
And I know this walk isn't about feelings.

And I know this has been a good year for us.

But I want rest.
(& resolution)

But really, sincerely, I want your will.
I want you to do what you have to do.

I want my 3 H's this year...there's no use hiding that from you--you already know.

I'm going to bed now. I pray this decade will be better than the last.

Therefore, we do NOT lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Waiting on the Lord

Waiting on God.
[aren't.we.all?]

Doing a word study on waiting. I want to know what the Bible says about waiting. Here's what I'm finding:

1. There is more than one word for "wait" in Hebrew.


H6960 - qavah
1) to wait, look for, hope, expect

a) (Qal) waiting (participle)

b) (Piel)

1) to wait or look eagerly for

2) to lie in wait for

3) to wait for, linger for

2) to collect, bind together

a) (Niphal) to be collected

So how and where is this word used?

Gen 1:29--And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry [land] appear: and it was so.

Psa 25:3 Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.

Psa 25:5 Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou [art] the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.

Psa 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Psa 40:1 I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

Isa 25:9 And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this [is] the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.

Isa 33:2 O LORD, be gracious unto us; we have waited for thee: be thou their arm every morning, our salvation also in the time of trouble.

Lam 3:25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

Merry Christmas

Happy Birthday, Jesus
I'm so glad it's Christmas...

What can we bring the One who has everything?

What can we give God, our Covenant Partner?

Well...there is one thing God doesn't have, one thing He would like us to give to Him.

Unbelief.

Hebrews 3 says "Take heed lest there be any evil heart of unbelief in you, in departing from the living God."

yikes.

unbelief creates an evil heart and prompts me to leave God.

[double yikes]

Since I am in covenant with God (and am the weaker party), I can exchange my unbelief for faith.

Faith.

Thy faith has saved you.
Your faith has made you whole.
If you had faith as small as a mustard seed...
Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.
The just will live by faith.
Being justified by faith, we have peace with God through Jesus.
We walk by faith, not by sight.
We wait for the hope of righteousness by faith...
Fight the good fight of faith...


God does not want me to have an evil heart of unbelief. He would much rather I give him those things I don't fully believe He will fulfill in my life.

So here is my unbelief, Jesus. I have no righteousness to bring you, no gold or expensive perfumes. I only have my frail heart, full of questions and misgivings.

So here it is--my unbeliefs and what you say about them:

1. I'll never be healthy, never be whole. I'll always have lung/sinus/digestive /immune/hearing and circulation problems.
I AM the God that healeth thee. God, help me to trust your ways and remember the promise of healing you have given me.

2. You'll never send me my husband. Or if you send me someone I care about, you'll take them away again.
Jesus, I repent of this kind of thinking. I know you have someone for me and I will not have an evil heart of unbelief. I will trust that You'll bring him to me when you want to--not necessarily when I want you to.

3. I'll never be good at family. I don't know how to be close to anyone in the family except my parents--they don't accept me for me.
I am your child. I belong. I've been adopted by You and You are the restorer of all things.

4. I can't do the types of ministry that I've gotten prophecies about. I'll never be on that level.
God, you are the one who both calls and equips me for your work. I trust that you will give me the tools necessary to minister the way you want me to.

5. I'll never make it back to Africa (or the missons field).
God, I trust that you will send me where you want me to go. I do believe you placed Africa in my heart and that in your timing I'll go back there someday.

6. Jimmy will never get saved; therefore, we will never be friends.
Jesus, if I believe in you, my whole household will be saved--including Jaime. You will bring healing and restoration to my family. Thank you, Lord.

7. I'll never be a good enough singer or pianist/musician.
This is a lie. You have given me special talent and ability and you are growing my skill. I will not be insecure or frightened.


Father, please forgive me for believing so many lies. Help my unbelief. Heal my unbelief.

I believe that You will perfect that which concerns me.

Still Smoldering

a[life]
alive

to You

.dead end.
deadened

to Me.

You hold me in the fire
the dark fire of sorrow--

of sacrificed dreams & buried hopes

Hold me in so I won't run away
Hold me in the fire so I'll learn to obey
Hold me in Your arms--please stay

{never leaving, never forsaking}

Oh burning love!
Light the fire that burns my heart
Change me! Take me apart!

For I know that You will put me back together again according to Your Word.
The same fire that now burns my soul will be the flame that melts and molds me into holy wholeness.


& by the light of that fire, I will begin to see where You are leading.

H[eart]

heart pierced

hear me
open my ear
Thou art the desire of
My heart
=hart panting for water



Write right.

Gangrene-heart transformed > growing in green grace = beautiful mercy.

2.4 Goodbyes

Oh twenty-four,

it's been quite the journey for us, hasn't it?

[singleness]
[joblessness]
[insert other appropriate "ness"]

& now it's time for you to go
[oh oh oh]

You've been kinder to me than the other twenty-somethings. (or maybe I've been kinder to myself)

Oh twenty-four,

You were the new door for me
to begin learning who I'm supposed to be

Oh twenty-four,

You did not Rob me the way most of my other years have--
You did not leave me desolate, without hope.
You did not brutalize me though you brought much pain and growth.

Oh Jesus,

Thank you for twenty-four.
Thank you for the emotional healing you've brought this year.
Thank you for keeping me from squandering 24 on a fruitless relationship.

Thank you for placing me in a job I love with a mission I believe in.
Thank you for allowing me this year to regroup and resubmit myself to You.


Oh Jesus,

You're the God of twenty-four
& you'll walk with me through twenty-five.

I'm not afraid of getting older.
I'm not afraid of my destiny.
I'm not afraid anymore.

You've healed my heart.
I believe you'll finish the healing work in my body.

You'll give me my heart's desires as I delight myself in you.

And together?
We will walk forward into the destiny you've called for me.

Oh God of all Gods,

you.are.faithful.

Trust and Wonder

New Wonder > Knew Wounder

I think I see words differently than most people. They stand out, slide back,

shi[f]t

decision
incision

Knowing where I will be
[howwilligetthere]

Not knowing how it will all happen

I'm sick now, but won't be forever.

But it affects me now

& once again, it boils down to

TRUST.

[trUSt]

And it is about us, God.
You & me.

This life-long relationship.
I'm not too good at this, God.