The Deep End of Fear & Shame

& so here I am: back here.  For the first time in a long, long time.

But there are things stirring deep within that are not for everyone to read over @ my website.

Things from this realm, this lovely distant land that I wandered from into a wilderness of agony.  And there are things from that realm of agony that touch on the edges of this land too as I lie trapped in the middle of the old new me and the new old me.

Things like

Surrender = Sir, rend her.

Sir, rend her heart so she can truly, finally surrender.

And so I stand in the valley of the shadow of life, with all my ancient woundings and plain-old tiredness shaking their shackles like horror movie villains.

And I?

I decide to air my deepest fears and shames. Or more aptly, err my deepest fear.

[deep breath]

#1:  I don't want to be a mom.  I don't want to be a mom!! It burst out of me in the quiet of my shower, the only quiet I get some days.  I want to turn  in my "mom badge" and call it quits.  I've had a good run, but now I'm tired and I'm selfish and I don't know how to keep doing this mom thing.  It was foolish of me to embark on this journey without a husband at my side. I can't be his mom...I can't be a good mom.

#2: I don't want to work anymore.  I've been through "SMH" to borrow the youngster's slang. I have worked long hours and long weeks at a ministry I both adore and dread. I cannot picture leaving anymore than I can picture staying.  And so I am starting a new position soon, but not before moving offices twice (still on one leg) and finishing out this busiest of seasons in my old role. I can't keep giving all me away. My close friend teased me, "Do you want to retire already?"  Of course not -- there is so much to do, so much passion and purpose bottled up in this little person.  Which leads me to...

#3: I want a break.  At least one month, maybe longer.  Do all people feel this way?  I am ashamed to feel this need, this longing so desperately. How can other people do this day in and day out? And raise a family? I've only been a mom for 4 months and in my current job for 3.5 years and I am flat-out DONE. Toast.  Each day is a new journey into "his mercies are new every morning". I don't want to be someone's boss, someone's employee, someone's mom or...

#4: I can't handle a serious relationship.  If being a mom has taught me one thing, it's that I am utterly, inherently selfish.  My deepest fear is that I only love the way he loves me...not love him for who he is deep inside.  There are so many little things about him that I know I don't love...and I'm sure that must be true of all couples, right?  ....right?  They are the dumb things, the things I'd be embarrassed to voice. They are trivial and I wonder at my own self-centered, self-righteous ways and think that he loves me for me..and I don't know how to love like that.

#5: I'm a martyr, a fake, an attention-getter, and a downright selfish, hurtful person.  Where did I ever get the arrogant idea that I would help others?  Work at a ministry, volunteer, foster parent, on and on -- why? Is the compulsion truly from God or is it from somewhere else?

#6: I can't be the only one in the world who feels like this, but it does feel like most of my friends don't have this struggle...at least not like this.  Will I ever learn to get out of crisis mode?

#7: I used to have a more passionate, vibrant relationship with Christ...and now it seems if I do talk to him, it's only when I really need something.  I know the cliches and I know the platitudes, but what I don't know is how to actually, truly get to where I need to be with him.

And so it brings me back to surrender.  Sir, rend her.

And I am rent and restless and wrecked and worked up.And these things keep pressing my insides with each swing of the crutches I take. I cringe as the hot-poker of Truth meets the sharp knife of Shame.

I want to be through this.  I actually want to be more normal. My soul runs deep, carrying my heart and mind into the shadowlands as I both search for and hide from the Light.

Oh to sojourn in the valley of the shadow of life! And yet there is a part of me that isn't quite willing to say "Do what you will to me, Lord."

Oh God, of all the things I could pray for out of my deepest fears and shames and hurts, I pray you will make me willing and hungry to be who you want me to be...to be like you.