Of onions & brokenness

oh God.

I'm running and running and running...

& the lungs of my heart hurt....

Why won't I go and be alone with you?

Why am I postponing this doctor's appointment with the Healer?


[because]

How many times do I have to go through this?

How many times will my heart break?

How long, oh Lord?


This thing is my onion, with never-ending layers and tear keep streaming and streaming.

I am so tired of crying over this onion.




What does surrender mean?

What does it even look like?


I am haunted

by memories
by dreams
by my life


I thought each time it would be easier...and the last time we did this song and dance it was the hardest yet.  It lasted a few dark years where I drank to keep the insanity at bay.  I raged and cried and died daily...died to you or to me?  I don't know.


I only know that I've spent yet another week hiding from this.

It affects our relationship, God.


And the big difference between this onion layer and all the others is that I have this husband you gave me to consider.

I want to run away.

Please help me.