Nothing Worth Anything Ever Goes Down Easy...

Dear God,

I believe it would be wiser to write to you instead of writing to him. You know how much I've written about/to/for/against him in the past [almost] five years. A lot of my life and time and thought and energy has dealt with him.

And I've used these circumstances as a crutch.
To explain things.
To not explain things.
For fear.
For pity and selfishness, really.

[eek/oops]

But today, God--August 16, 2009--I'd like today to be a turning point. I'm declaring that today will be a turning point.

I'm. letting. GO.

I'm not holding onto the past.

I'm not going to have an Egyptian mindset of embalming what is dead to try to hold onto it.

I'm saying Goodbye to him, to the memory of him, to using him as a crutch, to everything related to this that is holding me back from my future.

I can't hold onto it anymore.
The Shame.
The Pain.
The Hurt.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...and Lord, my heart has been sick for so long over this.

Over the not-knowing.
Over the why and how.
Over the discovery.
Over the lack of closure.

God, I believe you can bring closure.
And Hope.
And Forgiveness.

God, I ask you to help me to forgive him. To let go of this surge of rage/sorrow/shame/hurt that floods over me when I think about it all.

I speak life...life and more life to him. To him and his wife. God, I pray for my unwilling enemy. I ask that you bless him. I ask that you would work in his heart by your Holy Spirit--you're the only one that can do that without brutalizing him.

God, I pray that all shame about this would leave me. I thank you for your love, your grace, your freedom. I thank you that I am whole and clean in your eyes.

God I thank you for my future husband. I ask that you would bless him. I thank you that you have someone better suited for me and I submit my will to yours. I ask that you prepare my husband for me, and please prepare my heart for him.

And God? Please bring him in your timing--not mine. I'm not too good at timing compared to you....

Jesus, please remind me to stay close to you--to live in communion with you--otherwise I'll slip back to my past-hoarding habits. I want to live in you.

I bought a new ring. But I can only wear it honestly when I am not chained to the past.

And when I won't be ashamed to explain what it means to me.

So for right now, I'll wear it at home, because I don't know yet what I should tell the inquiring minds at church and work.

But between you and me, Lord? (and that's the best way anyway)

This ring is my engagement ring.

Because I am the bride of Christ.


...but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.