Summer Pains

Summer is almost over.

One big field trip tomorrow (Busch Gardens) and then a few days next week.
[then school starts]

& I'm suddenly no longer Youth Programs staff.

& I don't know what to feel.

It's been such a long, hard summer.

The kind of long, hard summer that leaves you too drained to even write about it.

Too much has happened.

I'm not sure where to start writing, so I'll put it off a little longer.

:::
:::

And that spell with Jaime--the one I was afraid would break?
[spell = my heart]

sss
hhh
aaaa
tttt
ttt
eee
rrr
eee
ddd

the calls stopped.
the online communication ceased.

You coming home for your birthday?
didn't happen.

YOU SAID it was because the base wouldn't let you take off.

YOU SAID THEY WOULDN'T LET YOU!

you lied.

you lied!

And then you were supposed to come last week.
Same excuse.

YOU'VE LIED.

At least don't leave comments to your "girlfriend" up on MySpace for me to see.

You went to Texas, which is a helluva lot further away from NC than Tampa.

To see some girl you referred to as a psycho bitch a few months ago.
A stalker face.

You chose some cheap piece of ass over your family.

And you didn't even have the guts to tell us.

And you won't call us.

No, we have to read the comments from your lovesick psychopathic "girlfriend" on your MySpace to find out where you've really been.

She came to see you in NC, so of course you couldn't come home.
You went to see her in TX, so of course you couldn't come home.

[but it was "work" that was keeping you from coming to us--YOUR FAMILY]

Damn it, Jaime! You haven't been home in 2 years.

I haven't seen you in 2 years!

I've been chasing you for almost 25 years to no avail.

Every defense I have, you tear apart--like a bull through a cape--and you don't even know you're doing it. You gore this matador's heart time and again, and still I hold up my cape, trying to get back in touch with you, with your life.

I've never been able to hold your attention for very long, and it is one of the deepest, oldest hurts of my life.