A David Prayer

I admit:

I've been praying David prayers.

"Lord!! My enemies!! See what they've done! See how they've lied and mistreated me!! Avenge me, God! Judge them and take up the cause of my justice! Pour your vengeance on my enemies, oh God of my salvation!"

um.

What happens when he answers these kinds of prayers?

When do we pray for God to avenge us, opposed to God giving us supernatural forgiveness and grace to just let it go?

Because my enemies?

They are losing their biggest (ahem, only) client in the next 60 days. Which devastates the company. No more days of ease...even if they do contract with new clients.

[vengeance being served?]

Because I sure prayed for it.

So do I feel bad that all those people may lose their jobs? Or may get new client work they don't like?

Or do I thank God for vengeance?

I feel a little guilty here.

I generally try not to think about what happened to me. It's still so sore.
[r--a--w]

I don't want people who have not wronged me to lose their jobs.

I just feel so exhausted and wide open tonight.
I feel spent.

Dad flying up to SC b/c Grandpa hasn't been getting better quickly.
The last clients of the day I had at MM that needed housing for the night--and the limited help I could provide them.
My regrets and guilt about my relationship with my grandparents.
The idea that the only way I'd see my brother is if something tragic happened to someone in our family.
And then trying to process this...this news about my old job.

I just feel spent tonight, God.

i.am.all.poured.out.

[fill me?]

I need you.

b/c tonight I'm falling apart and I want to stay put-together.

But I trust in your unending mercy and love.