Working things out and in

I hurt today.

Which means I should be writing in my Xanga, since this is my hopeful blog.

But I'd rather work it out here...in a hopeful place.

I killed my turtles.

Literally dehydrated them.

I feel really bad for killing them.

It helps to have something alive in my home.
& now I've caused it to die.

& now I need to get rid of their little shriveled bodies.

I feel like I'm the only living thing in this house...but I know God lives here too.
it just feels extra lonely this morning.

I've lived on my own for about 2 years now.

Oh God,

Where are you now?

In my kitchen?

Outback with the turtles?

I'm struggling with condemnation and I need you.

I have an interview today and I need you.

I'm breathing today; ergo, I need you.

::
::

And then last night.

Reunions bring back bitter memories.

I didn't realize I was still hurt, still withholding.

[but.i.am.]

I wasn't the pretty kid. Or the outgoing kid. Or the super chummy kid.

I was the painfully smart, awkward, hurting kid.

and my "leaders"?

rubbed.salt.into.my.wounds.instead.of.helping.me.

I wasn't interesting enough as a child to reach out to.
I hid my pain and was hard to relate to.

But I was hurting.

They made it worse.

& I had no idea I was still this...raw about it.

I buried the pain, the shame.

My old coping mechanism from childhood--now rearing its ugly head in broad daylight.

God healed me of my nightly recurring nightmare when I was about 10.
But another 5 years passed before He healed me in such a way to be able to allow others to touch me.

I didn't know how to touch or hug people until I was 15.

I remember some of the people I saw last night used to think I was weird b/c I wouldn't hug them.
They poked fun at me.

[like always]

If I wasn't ignored than I was being made fun of.

[and this was supposed to be Church???]

I needed to be helped and healed--I needed love! A severely depressed child, moving straight into bipolarism.

I was never supported by them emotionally.
or even in relation to going on missions trips.

And to be told I look the same as I did 6 years ago?
Ouch.

[salt slapping into wounds]

Oh God,

Where are you now?

in my 14-year-old heart?

in the dreading-to-go-to-youth-or-girl's-only?

My Child.

I've never left.

Not your 5 year old self.
Not your 14 year old self.

Not your 24 and a half year old self.

I AM here.

& I wont leave.

& I won't ignore your pain.

I AM healing.

I AM love.

Love is the first and greatest commandment. Love me. Love them. And yes, I will help you learn to love them more.

Remember child, ALL things work together for GOOD. I know you were wounded at Bay Life. I know you blame them for many things.

let.
it.
go.

It will destroy you if you try to hang onto your hurts and anger.
You already know this.

Take it.

All of it.

I am drowning in the past, even while you call me to live in the present.

Save me, Lord!

Give me your heart of love and compassion.

of forgiveness.

Oh God my Father. My helper.

Thank you for your unending love.
Thank you for helping me today and everyday.

Help me, oh help me.