New years day

It's the first day of 2014 and it's time to begin the dig.

the descent.

The descent is the decent thing to do...the life-giving thing to do.

And yet I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of who I am.
I'm afraid of what will need to change.
I'm afraid of reigniting pains I've managed to stuff down.
I'm afraid I'll break again.
I'm afraid I won't be a good wife.


So God, I know 2014 is destined to be a year that goes deep into my heart.  My cringing selfish little heart.

Help me to come out into the light.

The Day I Stopped Writing

& before I can move forward and marry this man, I must consolidate.

[console i myself on dates long past]

As I sit on the floor going through box after box of journals and poems and papers and notes, I see ME staring up from the pages.

& I realize:

I haven't written in years.

Not even when I had Gio did I truly write.

I didn't try to purge my soul.  I didn't pen things I would be terrified for others to read.  I didn't...

...didn't...

& now?

I feel a shock of numbness. A jolting overload.

underload?

The Deep End of Fear & Shame

& so here I am: back here.  For the first time in a long, long time.

But there are things stirring deep within that are not for everyone to read over @ my website.

Things from this realm, this lovely distant land that I wandered from into a wilderness of agony.  And there are things from that realm of agony that touch on the edges of this land too as I lie trapped in the middle of the old new me and the new old me.

Things like

Surrender = Sir, rend her.

Sir, rend her heart so she can truly, finally surrender.

And so I stand in the valley of the shadow of life, with all my ancient woundings and plain-old tiredness shaking their shackles like horror movie villains.

And I?

I decide to air my deepest fears and shames. Or more aptly, err my deepest fear.

[deep breath]

#1:  I don't want to be a mom.  I don't want to be a mom!! It burst out of me in the quiet of my shower, the only quiet I get some days.  I want to turn  in my "mom badge" and call it quits.  I've had a good run, but now I'm tired and I'm selfish and I don't know how to keep doing this mom thing.  It was foolish of me to embark on this journey without a husband at my side. I can't be his mom...I can't be a good mom.

#2: I don't want to work anymore.  I've been through "SMH" to borrow the youngster's slang. I have worked long hours and long weeks at a ministry I both adore and dread. I cannot picture leaving anymore than I can picture staying.  And so I am starting a new position soon, but not before moving offices twice (still on one leg) and finishing out this busiest of seasons in my old role. I can't keep giving all me away. My close friend teased me, "Do you want to retire already?"  Of course not -- there is so much to do, so much passion and purpose bottled up in this little person.  Which leads me to...

#3: I want a break.  At least one month, maybe longer.  Do all people feel this way?  I am ashamed to feel this need, this longing so desperately. How can other people do this day in and day out? And raise a family? I've only been a mom for 4 months and in my current job for 3.5 years and I am flat-out DONE. Toast.  Each day is a new journey into "his mercies are new every morning". I don't want to be someone's boss, someone's employee, someone's mom or...

#4: I can't handle a serious relationship.  If being a mom has taught me one thing, it's that I am utterly, inherently selfish.  My deepest fear is that I only love the way he loves me...not love him for who he is deep inside.  There are so many little things about him that I know I don't love...and I'm sure that must be true of all couples, right?  ....right?  They are the dumb things, the things I'd be embarrassed to voice. They are trivial and I wonder at my own self-centered, self-righteous ways and think that he loves me for me..and I don't know how to love like that.

#5: I'm a martyr, a fake, an attention-getter, and a downright selfish, hurtful person.  Where did I ever get the arrogant idea that I would help others?  Work at a ministry, volunteer, foster parent, on and on -- why? Is the compulsion truly from God or is it from somewhere else?

#6: I can't be the only one in the world who feels like this, but it does feel like most of my friends don't have this struggle...at least not like this.  Will I ever learn to get out of crisis mode?

#7: I used to have a more passionate, vibrant relationship with Christ...and now it seems if I do talk to him, it's only when I really need something.  I know the cliches and I know the platitudes, but what I don't know is how to actually, truly get to where I need to be with him.

And so it brings me back to surrender.  Sir, rend her.

And I am rent and restless and wrecked and worked up.And these things keep pressing my insides with each swing of the crutches I take. I cringe as the hot-poker of Truth meets the sharp knife of Shame.

I want to be through this.  I actually want to be more normal. My soul runs deep, carrying my heart and mind into the shadowlands as I both search for and hide from the Light.

Oh to sojourn in the valley of the shadow of life! And yet there is a part of me that isn't quite willing to say "Do what you will to me, Lord."

Oh God, of all the things I could pray for out of my deepest fears and shames and hurts, I pray you will make me willing and hungry to be who you want me to be...to be like you.

Hope:

Hope does not make us ashamed
Rom 5

We are saved by hope--hope in the unseen.
Rom. 8:24-25

God is the God of Hope.
Rom. 15

We wait for the Hope of righteousness by faith.
2. Cor. 10:15

F[air]

head in a fog
body like a log
exhaling smog
[still i blog]

--Air

Lack of AIR
doesn't seem
FAIR

but I DARE say that FAIR is a matter of perception

SO.

not wanting to face deception....

I hand over my perception

to the Maker of AIR
of FAIR

on whom I should cast all my CARE

:::
:::

As my body continues to attack me
I will wait
TRUST
hold on

Because you love me.

You work everything for good.

He spoke the word that healed you,
that pulled you back from the brink of death.

So thank GOD for His marvelous love,
for His miracle mercy to the children He loves.

& then? twenty-ten.

re[solutions] and [go]als.

I did pretty well on my goals last year.
[glory to God]

This year I will:

1. Keep going forward with Jesus. No stopping. No backtracking.
-read/study Bible
-pray/intercede
-obey/trust
-wait/hope

2. Chastity.
-no unholy physical/emotional relationships
-cut out sexual innuendos and inappropriate actions/words


3. Sobriety from alcohol.
-(drunkeness in the Spirit allowed)

4. Exercise at least 2x a week.
-build muscle
-tone
-lose fat mass

5. Grow musically.
-learn scales and progressions
-play piano at least 1 hr a week
-get involved in TCC School of Art
-keep singing/playing at TCC

6. Be healthy.
-eat well
-rest/sleep
-stress less

7. Grow artistically
-paint more
-take a dance class
-write more consistently

2010, let's be friends.

I want to live and not just talk about living.
I want to passionately pursue God.
I want to grow and learn and become the person I'm supposed to be.

of eggs & perfection

"The first job each morning consists simply in shoving them [all your wishes and hope] back; in listening to that other voice...letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.

We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be spreading through our system... When He said 'Be perfect,' He meant it.

It is hard; but the sort of compromise we are all hankering after is harder--in fact, it is impossible.

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg.

We are all like eggs are present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."

-C. S. Lewis
Mere Christianity