[good]bye, 2009

[bitter]sweet

loss & gain
give & take

a year of chastity
a year of staying on track
a year of seeking the Lord
a year of waiting
of growth
of change

I looked at my resolutions from this year.

God, they mostly came true.

But I feel...
well, not great.
And I know this walk isn't about feelings.

And I know this has been a good year for us.

But I want rest.
(& resolution)

But really, sincerely, I want your will.
I want you to do what you have to do.

I want my 3 H's this year...there's no use hiding that from you--you already know.

I'm going to bed now. I pray this decade will be better than the last.

Therefore, we do NOT lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Waiting on the Lord

Waiting on God.
[aren't.we.all?]

Doing a word study on waiting. I want to know what the Bible says about waiting. Here's what I'm finding:

1. There is more than one word for "wait" in Hebrew.


H6960 - qavah
1) to wait, look for, hope, expect

a) (Qal) waiting (participle)

b) (Piel)

1) to wait or look eagerly for

2) to lie in wait for

3) to wait for, linger for

2) to collect, bind together

a) (Niphal) to be collected

So how and where is this word used?

Gen 1:29--And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry [land] appear: and it was so.

Psa 25:3 Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.

Psa 25:5 Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou [art] the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.

Psa 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Psa 40:1 I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

Isa 25:9 And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this [is] the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.

Isa 33:2 O LORD, be gracious unto us; we have waited for thee: be thou their arm every morning, our salvation also in the time of trouble.

Lam 3:25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

Merry Christmas

Happy Birthday, Jesus
I'm so glad it's Christmas...

What can we bring the One who has everything?

What can we give God, our Covenant Partner?

Well...there is one thing God doesn't have, one thing He would like us to give to Him.

Unbelief.

Hebrews 3 says "Take heed lest there be any evil heart of unbelief in you, in departing from the living God."

yikes.

unbelief creates an evil heart and prompts me to leave God.

[double yikes]

Since I am in covenant with God (and am the weaker party), I can exchange my unbelief for faith.

Faith.

Thy faith has saved you.
Your faith has made you whole.
If you had faith as small as a mustard seed...
Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.
The just will live by faith.
Being justified by faith, we have peace with God through Jesus.
We walk by faith, not by sight.
We wait for the hope of righteousness by faith...
Fight the good fight of faith...


God does not want me to have an evil heart of unbelief. He would much rather I give him those things I don't fully believe He will fulfill in my life.

So here is my unbelief, Jesus. I have no righteousness to bring you, no gold or expensive perfumes. I only have my frail heart, full of questions and misgivings.

So here it is--my unbeliefs and what you say about them:

1. I'll never be healthy, never be whole. I'll always have lung/sinus/digestive /immune/hearing and circulation problems.
I AM the God that healeth thee. God, help me to trust your ways and remember the promise of healing you have given me.

2. You'll never send me my husband. Or if you send me someone I care about, you'll take them away again.
Jesus, I repent of this kind of thinking. I know you have someone for me and I will not have an evil heart of unbelief. I will trust that You'll bring him to me when you want to--not necessarily when I want you to.

3. I'll never be good at family. I don't know how to be close to anyone in the family except my parents--they don't accept me for me.
I am your child. I belong. I've been adopted by You and You are the restorer of all things.

4. I can't do the types of ministry that I've gotten prophecies about. I'll never be on that level.
God, you are the one who both calls and equips me for your work. I trust that you will give me the tools necessary to minister the way you want me to.

5. I'll never make it back to Africa (or the missons field).
God, I trust that you will send me where you want me to go. I do believe you placed Africa in my heart and that in your timing I'll go back there someday.

6. Jimmy will never get saved; therefore, we will never be friends.
Jesus, if I believe in you, my whole household will be saved--including Jaime. You will bring healing and restoration to my family. Thank you, Lord.

7. I'll never be a good enough singer or pianist/musician.
This is a lie. You have given me special talent and ability and you are growing my skill. I will not be insecure or frightened.


Father, please forgive me for believing so many lies. Help my unbelief. Heal my unbelief.

I believe that You will perfect that which concerns me.

Still Smoldering

a[life]
alive

to You

.dead end.
deadened

to Me.

You hold me in the fire
the dark fire of sorrow--

of sacrificed dreams & buried hopes

Hold me in so I won't run away
Hold me in the fire so I'll learn to obey
Hold me in Your arms--please stay

{never leaving, never forsaking}

Oh burning love!
Light the fire that burns my heart
Change me! Take me apart!

For I know that You will put me back together again according to Your Word.
The same fire that now burns my soul will be the flame that melts and molds me into holy wholeness.


& by the light of that fire, I will begin to see where You are leading.

H[eart]

heart pierced

hear me
open my ear
Thou art the desire of
My heart
=hart panting for water



Write right.

Gangrene-heart transformed > growing in green grace = beautiful mercy.