Sudden realization

Thanks, Deeds for the Xanga comments. It got me to thinking. I re-read those posts--so full of anger and hurt and confusion.

I think I'm getting past that. At least one layer past.

It still makes me angry. It still hurts.

I'm still confused and disappointed.

But I feel hope.

Not every moment of every day.

But I have glimpses of it.

Talking to a friend.
Seeing my Christmas tree all lit up
Walking on a nature trail
Reading my Bible.
Listening to a song.

It's there--if I have eyes to see it.
If I have a heart open enough to receive the hope.
If I'm willing to lay aside the bitterness.

God is the God of ALL hope...

Rollercoaster praise

I am thankful today.

It's been a roller coaster day/week/month/year/life

I was supposed to go with my mom to the dentist in St Pete this morning, that way we could hang out and run errands once she was done. However, I overslept.

I called her when I woke up, and she called me when she got out of her appointment. She told me that the problem with her tooth bleeding was because it was infected and dying. It's the last tooth on the top row--right next to her jawbone and sinuses. They did an X-ray and the dentist got very concerned with the way it looked. He called in his partner and they both decided it could be serious.

As in fatal.

They called up another specialist in St Pete and emailed her X-ray over and gave my mom directions to go to that facility immediately. They told her if the infection was in her jawbone or spread to her sinuses, it would be fatal. We talked so calmly about this new change of events. I told her to give the specialist and their office my number in case they needed to do anything to her today. So she hung up with me and headed over to the other specialist.

And I sat here reeling. My mom goes from having gum problems and a tooth issue--nothing too serious, right----to possibly having a fatal bone infection? All in the matter of one morning? I called and texted some friends quickly--then threw on some clothes and a shawl and headed out. I prayer-walked for about an hour on a trail here in Tampa. I felt like I was fighting, praying in the Spirit.

When you're waiting for a phone call like this, it seems to take forever.

Finally, my phone rang. It was from her cell. That doctor was off today, but he saw my mother anyway. He determined that her infection had not spread into the surrounding bones and sinus cavity yet. She will, however, need to have a root canal or the tooth pulled very soon before the infection has a chance to spread.

So, a pulled tooth or root canal vs. dying.

We were happy.
Are happy.

When my dad called from work later, she told him what had happened and they were laughing on the phone. It was so good. Such a good, good feeling to hear them laughing about this. To know that my mom is going to still be ok.

I thank God through our Savior Jesus Christ--for keeping my mom and safety. For getting this thing found out now, before it's too late. For his grace and mercy. It is so good.

You should praise the Lord for his love and for the wonderful things he does for all of us. You should celebrate by offering sacrifices and singing joyful songs to tell what he has done.
~Psalm 107: 21-22

Policy Changes

All exes and their subsequent letters, e-mails, photos and other paraphernalia are undergoing investigation for removal and disposal by management.

They have moved on--it's time for some change.

Rules for Christian Living

Don't take it for me---that's what my Bible titles this section I ended up reading and crying about last night. :)

But seriously...it affected me. Big time.

[i may be melting]

Romans 12:9-wherever I stop.

"Be sincere in your love for others. " Already I stop--at a loss. One sentence in and I can't even fit the bill. I know there are people in my life that I "love" because it's the right thing to do, because it's the "Christian" thing to do. But I don't think I really "love" them sincerely.

Hate everything that is evil and hold tight to everything that is good. Love each other as brothers and sisters and honor others more than you do yourself.

Hate bad, love good. Love and honor others more than me. In other words, be wise and be self-less.

Never give up. Eagerly follow the Holy Spirit and serve the Lord.

Ok, so funny thing first. I accidentally typed "sever" instead of "serve", but I caught it. I don't want anyone to get any weird ideas from my typos. I have a tendency to give up on God--I think I reach a "last" straw and get angry and cynical and hurt and questioning....

Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in trouble and never stop praying.

And there is the problem right there:

I lose hope.
I get impatient.
I quit praying.

But I know when I have hoped and waited and prayed during times of trouble--it has gone much better for me. I learned more and made fewer mistakes. I pray that God will continue to remind me to hope and be patient and prayerful--during this season and others to come.

Take care of needy people and welcome strangers into your home.

As Mary would probably say, "not strange men." Which I would now have to say "Good idea."

Ask God to bless everyone who mistreats you. Ask him to bless them and not to curse them.

I stared at the computer screen, then played an online card game--avoiding writing more.

Hope.isnt.always.easy.

`-`

O Christmas Tree

So I began to write a post about forgiveness and moving on and hope. But, as usual, I was thrown for another loop. It's quite complicated. Maybe it shouldn't throw me.


Please keep Jonathan Newman in your prayers--he had another long surgery today (his pelvis) and is still in ICU. And please pray that I find a job--things are getting tight.

Anyway...since this is my hope-only blog, I will stick to pictures of my newly-decorated Christmas tree:

I like having a tree. We should have trees all year long...

It definitely brings cheer to my place.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

So every year our church allows Tip Top trees to use our property to set up their Christmas tree tent. They give our church some free coupons for less-expensive trees.

My mom and dad gave me a coupon because I am financially challenged right now. I've never had my own real Christmas tree. Growing up, we've used the same fake Christmas tree for longer than I've been alive.

So now I have my own place...and with it my own little tree.

Isn't it just the cutest little thing?? I could have gotten a bigger tree, but it wouldn't have fit.

It smells really good!

I have yet to decorate it with ornaments, but rest assured...when I do, I'll post the pictures!

I took a test today for a case management position with Hillsborough County. I didn't think I had passed the test, since it was much harder than I expected, but I received an email saying I passed! Now if the county is interested in me as a case manager, then they will contact me for an interview.

It's a step.

Being a case manager is a scary thing to think about. Scarier than teaching even. But I want to learn how to help people and families--even if it's scary.

I'm not feeling overly positive tonight, to be honest. So I've taken a survey a friend posted on MySpace and will complete it below, hopefully with wittiness:


---

Do you tend to speed​ when you drive​?​
No, Officer!


Does your tempe​r flare​ a lot?
it's been known to flare...



Do you get emoti​onal easil​y?​
Who you calling emotional? Huh? Huh?



Which​ shoe goes on first​?​
Whichever I find first.


Are you lazy?​
On occasion.


Name one thing​ you do that peopl​e alway​s tell you about​:​
ummmmm



Are you super​stiti​ous?​
not really, but I am super!


Do you get bored​ with relat​ionsh​ips quick​ly?​
not really



Can you sleep​ witho​ut blank​ets cover​ing you?
I suppose I can.

What do you sleep​ in?
depends on the temperature


YOUR ABCs

A - is for the last perso​n that made you ANGRY​:​
H.R. at my old company for not sending me the right paperwork

B - is for BEER you prefe​r:​
I don't drink beer anymore, but I wasn't too picky. I'd drink just about any kind of beer...but I liked Yingling a lot


C - is for do you have a CAT?
I do not. I used to until last year when my mom killed it.

D - is for can you DANCE​?​
of course!



E - is for do you have your EARS pierc​ed?​
Funny you should ask that....I did for about 33 days. They are closing/closed since they got infected really badly.

F - is for your best FRIEN​D?​
I have several. Thankfully.


G - is for did you ever watch​ GUTS on Nicke​lodeo​n?​
We didn't watch Nickelodeon



H - is for the last perso​n who HUGGE​D you?
Pastor Newman


I - is for close​ your eyes.​.
​ what IMAGE​ do you see?
nothing...creeper.



J - is for have you ever been to JAIL?​
been in a jail? yes. Been put in jail for something illegal? no.


K - is for when is the last time you flew a KITE?​
about a year ago probably



L - is for your first​ LOVE:
First was Jesus---I am trying to get back to that

M - is for the last piece​ of MAIL you got?
an official college transcript copy from SEU



N - is for do you remem​ber NERF guns?​
I sure do--I had an older brother


​
O - is for do you OWN a car?
I do! It is sooo OWNED



P - is for your favor​ite PASTT​IME?​
partying like a rockstar...I mean, painting


Q - is for do you like peace​ & QUIET​?​
love it. Wouldn't live alone if I didn't like it...


R - is for do you like the color​ RED?
Seeing my house is decorated in red...I should hope so.

​
S - is for how many hours​ of SLEEP​ you need to funct​ion?​:​
It depends on if I'm sick or not.


T - is for what TIME is it?
12.06 am


U - is for what is UNDER​ your bed?
A monster--and some boxes of paperwork and pictures


V - is for what you did last VALEN​TINES​ day:
worked at the Center with the kids



W - is for do you drink​ a lot of WATER​?​
I do

X - is for have you ever had an X-​RAY?​
Yup


Y - is for the last perso​n you YELLE​D at?
I yelled about traffic last. I yelled about a certain jerk-face, but not at him, since I haven't been afforded that opportunity. [i am having NO problems coping]


Z - is for have you ever watch​ed ZORRO​?​
I have


RANDO​M

Who do you wish you could​ hang out with right​ now?
Becca Newman to make sure she is ok


Name one thing​ you absol​utely​ canno​t stand​:​
static electricity--I'm a little OCD about it.



Where​ do you spend​ most of your time?​
my condo

Have you ever hit a squir​rel when you were drivi​ng?​
no


Did your car ever break​ down?​
my old car did.



What is the longe​st amoun​t of time you'​ve been awake​?​
prob 36 hours? maybe longer?

What would​ you do if you found​ out the world​ was endin​g in one week?​
I'd spend time with friends and family--time alone--spend all my money--do some witnessing--get married--go on a roller coaster--spend time outside dancing and singing and praying



Do scary​ movie​s make you paran​oid when you watch​ them alone​?​
Absolutely. Which is why I don't normally do that--I'm not an idiot.


Name one thing​ you'​ve lied about​ recen​tly:​
my state of emotion



What is the worst​ movie​ you'​ve ever seen?​
"Yes Sir, That's My Baby!" It's fantastic in a certain sense!



Who was the first​ perso​n to ever give you flowe​rs?​
either my parents or grandparents.

As an end note, please pray for Jonathan Newman (in ICU). He is having a really rough night and he has a high fever.

Ogres are like Onions...

So this is my positive blog...so I'll button my lip about the jobless, healthcare-less situation.

I waited too late to get pictures while it was daylight, so I improvised inside with things on my counter:


And here is a shopped picture of me:

Peace and Love...

Fall 2008

I want this site to be full of pretty pictures as well.

Here is an compilation of this Fall:

Pumpkin from Hallelujah Night

Birthday Girls--practicing our sexy look

At the surprise birthday party, Jim presented
Grandpa with a US Flag he flew while in Afghanistan.

Camping November 2008

Sunset over the swamp

So.


Here is the lyrics to a song that is speaking to me right now:

One thing I know that I have found
Through all the troubles that surround
You are the Rock that never fails, You never fail

Verse2:

One thing I know that I believe
through every blessing I receive
You are the only One that stays, You always stay

Chorus
You never change, You're still the same
You are the Everlasting God
You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed
everlasting God


Chorus
You never change, You're still the same
You are the Everlasting God
You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed
everlasting God

You never Fail.
You always Stay.

New Beginnings

I need a new place.

Another place.

I was reluctant to make another blog, simply because I have multiple blogs, social networking places and email accounts.

But after this week--I wanted something new.

Something beautiful.

like the journal I bought at the end of last year--it was my goal to fill it with beautiful things.

[i didn't]

But that doesn't mean I should stop trying.

So world, here I go again.