Frank Cynic turned Hopelessly Hopeful

F[air]

2010-01-17T18:22:00.003-05:00

head in a fog
body like a log
exhaling smog
[still i blog]

--Air

Lack of AIR
doesn't seem
FAIR

but I DARE say that FAIR is a matter of perception

SO.

not wanting to face deception....

I hand over my perception

to the Maker of AIR
of FAIR

on whom I should cast all my CARE

:::
:::

As my body continues to attack me
I will wait
TRUST
hold on

Because you love me.

You work everything for good.

He spoke the word that healed you,
that pulled you back from the brink of death.

So thank GOD for His marvelous love,
for His miracle mercy to the children He loves.

& then? twenty-ten.

2010-01-02T21:42:00.003-05:00

re[solutions] and [go]als.

I did pretty well on my goals last year.
[glory to God]

This year I will:

1. Keep going forward with Jesus. No stopping. No backtracking.
-read/study Bible
-pray/intercede
-obey/trust
-wait/hope

2. Chastity.
-no unholy physical/emotional relationships
-cut out sexual innuendos and inappropriate actions/words

3. Sobriety from alcohol.
-(drunkeness in the Spirit allowed)

4. Exercise at least 2x a week.
-build muscle
-tone
-lose fat mass

5. Grow musically.
-learn scales and progressions
-play piano at least 1 hr a week
-get involved in TCC School of Art
-keep singing/playing at TCC

6. Be healthy.
-eat well
-rest/sleep
-stress less

7. Grow artistically
-paint more
-take a dance class
-write more consistently

2010, let's be friends.

I want to live and not just talk about living.
I want to passionately pursue God.
I want to grow and learn and become the person I'm supposed to be.

of eggs & perfection

2010-01-02T20:28:00.003-05:00

"The first job each morning consists simply in shoving them [all your wishes and hope] back; in listening to that other voice...letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.

We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be spreading through our system... When He said 'Be perfect,' He meant it.

It is hard; but the sort of compromise we are all hankering after is harder--in fact, it is impossible.

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg.

We are all like eggs are present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."

-C. S. Lewis
Mere Christianity

[good]bye, 2009

2009-12-31T23:39:00.004-05:00

[bitter]sweet

loss & gain
give & take

a year of chastity
a year of staying on track
a year of seeking the Lord
a year of waiting
of growth
of change

I looked at my resolutions from this year.

God, they mostly came true.

But I feel...
well, not great.
And I know this walk isn't about feelings.

And I know this has been a good year for us.

But I want rest.
(& resolution)

But really, sincerely, I want your will.
I want you to do what you have to do.

I want my 3 H's this year...there's no use hiding that from you--you already know.

I'm going to bed now. I pray this decade will be better than the last.

Therefore, we do NOT lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T09:04:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday, Jesus
I'm so glad it's Christmas...

What can we bring the One who has everything?

What can we give God, our Covenant Partner?

Well...there is one thing God doesn't have, one thing He would like us to give to Him.

Unbelief.

Hebrews 3 says "Take heed lest there be any evil heart of unbelief in you, in departing from the living God."

yikes.

unbelief creates an evil heart and prompts me to leave God.

[double yikes]

Since I am in covenant with God (and am the weaker party), I can exchange my unbelief for faith.

Faith.

Thy faith has saved you.
Your faith has made you whole.
If you had faith as small as a mustard seed...
Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.
The just will live by faith.
Being justified by faith, we have peace with God through Jesus.
We walk by faith, not by sight.
We wait for the hope of righteousness by faith...
Fight the good fight of faith...

God does not want me to have an evil heart of unbelief. He would much rather I give him those things I don't fully believe He will fulfill in my life.

So here is my unbelief, Jesus. I have no righteousness to bring you, no gold or expensive perfumes. I only have my frail heart, full of questions and misgivings.

So here it is--my unbeliefs and what you say about them:

1. I'll never be healthy, never be whole. I'll always have lung/sinus/digestive /immune/hearing and circulation problems.
I AM the God that healeth thee. God, help me to trust your ways and remember the promise of healing you have given me.

2. You'll never send me my husband. Or if you send me someone I care about, you'll take them away again.
Jesus, I repent of this kind of thinking. I know you have someone for me and I will not have an evil heart of unbelief. I will trust that You'll bring him to me when you want to--not necessarily when I want you to.

3. I'll never be good at family. I don't know how to be close to anyone in the family except my parents--they don't accept me for me.
I am your child. I belong. I've been adopted by You and You are the restorer of all things.

4. I can't do the types of ministry that I've gotten prophecies about. I'll never be on that level.
God, you are the one who both calls and equips me for your work. I trust that you will give me the tools necessary to minister the way you want me to.

5. I'll never make it back to Africa (or the missons field).
God, I trust that you will send me where you want me to go. I do believe you placed Africa in my heart and that in your timing I'll go back there someday.

6. Jimmy will never get saved; therefore, we will never be friends.
Jesus, if I believe in you, my whole household will be saved--including Jaime. You will bring healing and restoration to my family. Thank you, Lord.

7. I'll never be a good enough singer or pianist/musician.
This is a lie. You have given me special talent and ability and you are growing my skill. I will not be insecure or frightened.

Father, please forgive me for believing so many lies. Help my unbelief. Heal my unbelief.

I believe that You will perfect that which concerns me.

Still Smoldering

2009-12-13T21:50:00.002-05:00

a[life]
alive

to You

.dead end.
deadened

to Me.

You hold me in the fire
the dark fire of sorrow--

of sacrificed dreams & buried hopes

Hold me in so I won't run away
Hold me in the fire so I'll learn to obey
Hold me in Your arms--please stay

{never leaving, never forsaking}

Oh burning love!
Light the fire that burns my heart
Change me! Take me apart!

For I know that You will put me back together again according to Your Word.
The same fire that now burns my soul will be the flame that melts and molds me into holy wholeness.

& by the light of that fire, I will begin to see where You are leading.

H[eart]

2009-12-01T18:40:00.000-05:00

heart pierced

hear me
open my ear
Thou art the desire of
My heart
=hart panting for water

Write right.

Gangrene-heart transformed > growing in green grace = beautiful mercy.

2.4 Goodbyes

2009-11-12T19:34:00.003-05:00

Oh twenty-four,

it's been quite the journey for us, hasn't it?

[singleness]
[joblessness]
[insert other appropriate "ness"]

& now it's time for you to go
[oh oh oh]

You've been kinder to me than the other twenty-somethings. (or maybe I've been kinder to myself)

Oh twenty-four,

You were the new door for me
to begin learning who I'm supposed to be

Oh twenty-four,

You did not Rob me the way most of my other years have--
You did not leave me desolate, without hope.
You did not brutalize me though you brought much pain and growth.

Oh Jesus,

Thank you for twenty-four.
Thank you for the emotional healing you've brought this year.
Thank you for keeping me from squandering 24 on a fruitless relationship.

Thank you for placing me in a job I love with a mission I believe in.
Thank you for allowing me this year to regroup and resubmit myself to You.

Oh Jesus,

You're the God of twenty-four
& you'll walk with me through twenty-five.

I'm not afraid of getting older.
I'm not afraid of my destiny.
I'm not afraid anymore.

You've healed my heart.
I believe you'll finish the healing work in my body.

You'll give me my heart's desires as I delight myself in you.

And together?
We will walk forward into the destiny you've called for me.

Trust and Wonder

2009-08-23T20:50:00.002-04:00

New Wonder > Knew Wounder

I think I see words differently than most people. They stand out, slide back,

shi[f]t

decision
incision

Knowing where I will be
[howwilligetthere]

Not knowing how it will all happen

I'm sick now, but won't be forever.

But it affects me now

& once again, it boils down to

TRUST.

[trUSt]

And it is about us, God.
You & me.

This life-long relationship.
I'm not too good at this, God.

Nothing Worth Anything Ever Goes Down Easy...

2009-08-16T21:54:00.003-04:00

Dear God,

I believe it would be wiser to write to you instead of writing to him. You know how much I've written about/to/for/against him in the past [almost] five years. A lot of my life and time and thought and energy has dealt with him.

And I've used these circumstances as a crutch.
To explain things.
To not explain things.
For fear.
For pity and selfishness, really.

[eek/oops]

But today, God--August 16, 2009--I'd like today to be a turning point. I'm declaring that today will be a turning point.

I'm. letting. GO.

I'm not holding onto the past.

I'm not going to have an Egyptian mindset of embalming what is dead to try to hold onto it.

I'm saying Goodbye to him, to the memory of him, to using him as a crutch, to everything related to this that is holding me back from my future.

I can't hold onto it anymore.
The Shame.
The Pain.
The Hurt.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...and Lord, my heart has been sick for so long over this.

Over the not-knowing.
Over the why and how.
Over the discovery.
Over the lack of closure.

God, I believe you can bring closure.
And Hope.
And Forgiveness.

God, I ask you to help me to forgive him. To let go of this surge of rage/sorrow/shame/hurt that floods over me when I think about it all.

I speak life...life and more life to him. To him and his wife. God, I pray for my unwilling enemy. I ask that you bless him. I ask that you would work in his heart by your Holy Spirit--you're the only one that can do that without brutalizing him.

God, I pray that all shame about this would leave me. I thank you for your love, your grace, your freedom. I thank you that I am whole and clean in your eyes.

God I thank you for my future husband. I ask that you would bless him. I thank you that you have someone better suited for me and I submit my will to yours. I ask that you prepare my husband for me, and please prepare my heart for him.

And God? Please bring him in your timing--not mine. I'm not too good at timing compared to you....

Jesus, please remind me to stay close to you--to live in communion with you--otherwise I'll slip back to my past-hoarding habits. I want to live in you.

I bought a new ring. But I can only wear it honestly when I am not chained to the past.

And when I won't be ashamed to explain what it means to me.

So for right now, I'll wear it at home, because I don't know yet what I should tell the inquiring minds at church and work.

But between you and me, Lord? (and that's the best way anyway)

This ring is my engagement ring.

Because I am the bride of Christ.

...but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Summer Pains

2009-08-13T20:50:00.002-04:00

Summer is almost over.

One big field trip tomorrow (Busch Gardens) and then a few days next week.
[then school starts]

& I'm suddenly no longer Youth Programs staff.

& I don't know what to feel.

It's been such a long, hard summer.

The kind of long, hard summer that leaves you too drained to even write about it.

Too much has happened.

I'm not sure where to start writing, so I'll put it off a little longer.

:::
:::

And that spell with Jaime--the one I was afraid would break?
[spell = my heart]

sss
hhh
aaaa
tttt
ttt
eee
rrr
eee
ddd

the calls stopped.
the online communication ceased.

You coming home for your birthday?
didn't happen.

YOU SAID it was because the base wouldn't let you take off.

YOU SAID THEY WOULDN'T LET YOU!

you lied.

you lied!

And then you were supposed to come last week.
Same excuse.

YOU'VE LIED.

At least don't leave comments to your "girlfriend" up on MySpace for me to see.

You went to Texas, which is a helluva lot further away from NC than Tampa.

To see some girl you referred to as a psycho bitch a few months ago.
A stalker face.

You chose some cheap piece of ass over your family.

And you didn't even have the guts to tell us.

And you won't call us.

No, we have to read the comments from your lovesick psychopathic "girlfriend" on your MySpace to find out where you've really been.

She came to see you in NC, so of course you couldn't come home.
You went to see her in TX, so of course you couldn't come home.

[but it was "work" that was keeping you from coming to us--YOUR FAMILY]

Damn it, Jaime! You haven't been home in 2 years.

I haven't seen you in 2 years!

I've been chasing you for almost 25 years to no avail.

Every defense I have, you tear apart--like a bull through a cape--and you don't even know you're doing it. You gore this matador's heart time and again, and still I hold up my cape, trying to get back in touch with you, with your life.

I've never been able to hold your attention for very long, and it is one of the deepest, oldest hurts of my life.

Dear Chastity,

2009-08-02T20:40:00.002-04:00

This would be a lot easier to manage if I wasn't so touchy-feely.

Not that I was planning to do anything sexual...he and I have never been that way.

But cuddling in bed? Somehow, I don't think you'd approve.

But Chastity--he's like my gay boyfriend! We used to sleep next to each other like little kids--nothing romantic or anything--ever.

Just something I'd do with him...and other guys AND girls.

& now he doesn't understand--can't understand why I won't come over and snuggle while watching TV.

Oh and Chastity?

My mom went away for [only] 5 days and found me a potential future husband.
[saw his facebook. my status = not interested]

I want this year for us, Chastity.

& most interestingly, the truth of the matter (for right now, at least) is that I don't even want to cuddle in bed with him.

I don't want to cuddle in bed with any man.
I don't want any type of physicality beyond hugging (and maybe holding hands platonically) with any man.

It's surprising.

[it's a relief]

Thanks for showing me...for reminding me about balance and purity and security, Chastity.

Summ[h]er

2009-07-28T22:46:00.002-04:00

How can I write about this summer?

It's.been.a.

roller

coaster

I love these kids.
& they b/r/e/a/k/ my ♥

& they make me so...so...
[insert various emotional states]

Summer, you've been as beautiful, harmful, and quick as a thunderstorm.
{& the air is still full of warning}

Hello, June

2009-06-01T22:45:00.000-04:00

It's nice to see you again.

It's nice to see you in a different light.

June hasn't been very kind to me the last several years

[or maybe, I haven't been kind to me the last few years]

Last year, I wasn't kind to me by being with Phil.
The year prior, it was Kevin.
The year prior, I was struggling with being really sick and struggling with my self-image.

And the year before that....

a man I was courting and loved with all my heart, drove out of a parking lot on a hot, Florida afternoon...never to be seen again.

[it.still.throbbbs.]

But June?

It's halfway through the year, and I'd like to look at this year's resolutions I made:

1. With God's help, I will stay on the straight and the narrow this year, getting closer to my God.

2. With God's help, I will remain chaste this year and will especially not become involved with men that do not know Jesus.

3. With God's help, I will find the job that I am supposed to be at this year.

4. With God's help, I will continue to eat healthy and will exercise more often.

5. With God's help, I will continue this hard lesson of forgiveness and mercy.

6. With God's help, I will try to not seek my own vengeance or willfulness.

7. With God's help, I will minister to those in need.

And June?

I did find a job.
And I am growing in the Lord still.
And I am learning to forgive and not be vengeful.
And I am ministering to the needy of Tampa Bay.

I could still exercise more...but you know what, June?

I've been chaste.

I had a crush, but thankfully, it's fading...and he and I never even kissed or anything.

And June?

I intend on remaining chaste for the next six months.

I will live in purity of body and mind, with God as my Beloved and my Helper.

I'm determined to make chastity cool again.

I'm saying "Yes" to God. "Yes" to my future husband.

Yes to my soul.

No more of this boring "No, you can't do that" abstinence stuff.

:::
:::

But June?

Please be kind to me this year.

Happy Memorial Day, Hermano...

2009-05-25T17:51:00.003-04:00

I've written pages about you, James.

[pages you've never seen because you would create a scene]

Jim, Jimbo, Jim-Bob, Jaimes, Jaime, Jaimers, Jimmy, Bubba...

3 months went by.

You ignored my calls.

I heard you told someone we're both very close to that you couldn't talk to me anymore--
that you didn't know me.
that you couldn't relate to me b/c you work your ass off and I'm [was] unemployed, living off the government.

But you--you throb through my veins.
You're like a toothache that never goes away.

Strange that a stranger leaves me with such a toothache of the soul.

And when I'm sufficiently hurt and sad and disillusioned--then you break through like a big brother should--like a hero.

[I didn't expect you to call me back]

& I certainly didn't expect you to talk to me for almost 30 minutes with such animation.

I was so scared to break the spell...
...delirious with joy that we were actually speaking...

& when you said you loved me..

[toothache wildly throbbing]

You know and I know that you don't say "I love you" often.

& suddenly, it's like the bridge is back!

You even mentioned Jules and I coming to stay with you this summer--you actually invited me back into your life!

I don't know whether I should be offended or not b/c you've only done it since I've become employed and am back in "normal standing" with society.

I just know that you actually suggested that we spend time together.

How long will this spell last?

Should I brace myself now for you to shut me out and mock my lifestyle choices?

Or should I just accept this change and plunge back into relationship with you (as much as you let someone plunge--more like wading through puddles)?

You've let me down so much, big brother.

& I love you so much.

Even though you're drinking like a horse and living with a married woman.

Ahem.

What I guess I'm really trying to say, is I love you.

And I'm glad you're back in the US.

I'm glad you're alive on this Memorial Day.

I'm thankful for your service to our country, even if I don't believe in the efforts you've been fighting in and the way our country runs our military...

Happy Memorial Day, James.

Mercies are new every morning

2009-05-15T12:35:00.000-04:00

I will sing of your mercies that lead me through valleys of sorrow, to rivers of joy...

God is so faithful.

When my tire blew out on Hillsborough Ave., God kept me safe and sent me help to put on the new tire.

When a week later one of my other tires blew out on I-4 during rush hour, God kept me safe...kept my car on the road until I could get off on the next exit....and sent me help to put on the donut.

While I've been without health insurance for over 6 months, God has kept my lungs from calling quits on me. I haven't needed my lung medicine hardly at all...and 6 months later, I still have some Spiriva left.

When I wasn't sure how I could live on unemployment, God made that money go further then I thought possible. I haven't been late on any bills or rent, and I've always had enough for groceries without delving into my savings.

When I needed a job, He had one custom-made for me at a company I love and respect.

And today!

What mercy!

My jaw, tooth and gums have been inflamed and very painful. I went into my parent's endontist, and they gave me a discount on my exam and x-ray yesterday. Today, the doctor thought I might need a root canal--an expensive (and painful) procedure, as well as antibiotics for the infection that was present.

We'd been praying I wouldn't need one--speaking life into the roots of my mouth.

I didn't need a root canal.

And the buildup work he did which normally cost 4 to 6 hundred dollars?

He did it for free.

And the exam for the rest of my teeth next week?

It will also be free.

And the infection?

It's clearing up and I won't need an antibiotic.

He's a man of God--we prayed together before he began working on my mouth. He says there's still a potential the tooth will go bad, but I'm praying it won't. And if you'd pray with me for my mouth and jaw, I'd appreciate it too. I still need to get a permanent crown on it next week too.

But I really just wanted to share with you all how faithful God has been. David talks about sharing God's miraculous wonders with the community, and I want to share with the community too.

He is good.

He does answer prayers.

I am so thankful for His great mercy and love.

Be blessed!

A Story of Redemption and Restoration

2009-05-14T09:14:00.004-04:00

Sorry it's taken me a few days to write this, but I did want to share with you the faithfulness of the God I serve!

First, I'd like to thank those of you who have prayed for me, or sent me job postings or let me use you as a reference--I truly appreciate your support during this time of my life. Thank you!!

For those of you who aren't aware, Rebecca P and some other friends and I volunteered at Metropolitan Ministries during their ginormous holiday event. Once the New Year came, Becca and I decided we wanted to volunteer throughout the year.

So we went in. One of the first people we met was Scott [my new boss]. We hit it off wonderfully, and he told me to look at the job openings they had. At the time, they didn't have anything that would fit what I was looking for.

I started volunteering regularly, several times a week, in the Outreach department or in the kitchen. I've done a little bit of everything: washed and seasoned 40lbs of frozen chicken, helping with the front desk, typing up thousands of prayer requests from our clients, manned the phones, stock the shelves with food, sorted the bread and pastry deliveries, sat in to learn counseling....

You name it, I've probably done it.

I've cried over some of the situations I've seen with our clients.

I've been blessed by some of our clients, stressed by others.

I've received many marriage proposals from clients.

[clients = families in need, the homeless, etc]

I've laughed and cried and prayed and come home with sore feet and tired body...and it's been so wonderful.

So anyway....I applied for a volunteer coordinator position--but it was only part-time. The pay would have been less than my unemployment, consequently and I didn't have peace.

I turned it down.

So a few days later, Scott asks me if I'd be interested in working with the residential teens (we have 40+ families living on campus--these are families who became homeless for any number of reasons). I said, "Sure."

The next day, I talked to Patrick (my other new boss) very informally about working with the teen program. He said he wasn't sure about hiring 2 part-time people and had to propose it to the financial department.

I figured this would take a while.

The very next day, HR called me to offer me a job: 20 hours a week with Scott in Volunteer Coordinating, and 20 hours a week with Patrick with the teen program.

I felt peace.

These wonderful people custom-made a job for me and put it together and hired me with a few short days. Everyone was ecstatic for me. All the staff and volunteers in Outreach were hugging and congratulating me.

I talked to Scott on Wednesday, he had me talk to Patrick on Thursday. On Friday they offered me the job, and I started on Monday, May 11th at 7:45am!!

God is faithful. I thank and praise God for allowing me this opportunity to work with a company I love...with staff I love...doing things I love to help the hurting. Their mission is to continue the ministry of Jesus Christ in helping the needy.

I love that.

I'm a part of that [officially] now.

& it's exciting.

After the way my last job tossed me out with the trash, to be welcomed with such love and jubilation...well, I cried. And laughed. And then cried and laughed.

So check out my bio on the Metro Min website!

A David Prayer

2009-05-04T22:55:00.002-04:00

I admit:

I've been praying David prayers.

"Lord!! My enemies!! See what they've done! See how they've lied and mistreated me!! Avenge me, God! Judge them and take up the cause of my justice! Pour your vengeance on my enemies, oh God of my salvation!"

um.

What happens when he answers these kinds of prayers?

When do we pray for God to avenge us, opposed to God giving us supernatural forgiveness and grace to just let it go?

Because my enemies?

They are losing their biggest (ahem, only) client in the next 60 days. Which devastates the company. No more days of ease...even if they do contract with new clients.

[vengeance being served?]

Because I sure prayed for it.

So do I feel bad that all those people may lose their jobs? Or may get new client work they don't like?

Or do I thank God for vengeance?

I feel a little guilty here.

I generally try not to think about what happened to me. It's still so sore.
[r--a--w]

I don't want people who have not wronged me to lose their jobs.

I just feel so exhausted and wide open tonight.
I feel spent.

Dad flying up to SC b/c Grandpa hasn't been getting better quickly.
The last clients of the day I had at MM that needed housing for the night--and the limited help I could provide them.
My regrets and guilt about my relationship with my grandparents.
The idea that the only way I'd see my brother is if something tragic happened to someone in our family.
And then trying to process this...this news about my old job.

I just feel spent tonight, God.

i.am.all.poured.out.

[fill me?]

I need you.

b/c tonight I'm falling apart and I want to stay put-together.

But I trust in your unending mercy and love.

Rend[h]er

2009-05-02T19:12:00.002-04:00

Jesus said to take up our cross daily.

[ I understand that intellectually ]

but the whole "needing to surrender" thing--
it.grips.me.

Letting go.
Relinquishing.

Oh God.

I'm frail
I fail.
I rail.

I am f[r]ail.

I cried and cried on my way to the beach tonight.
Letting this song wash over me.

I have to give you everything
And then the yoke is easy.

I have to give you everything.
And then the burden is light.

And oh--the peace!
Of pure abandon!

And oh--the joy!
Of sweet surrender!

Cuz if I try to save my life, I'll lose it,
But if I lose my life for your sake, I'll find it in end.

I'll find it in the end....

Life is found in the laying down. (Happy Holiness)
Joy is found in the tearing of the heart (Joyful Righteousness)

Life is found in the letting go. (Happy Holiness)
Joy is found in the tearing of the heart. (Joyful Righteousness)

Happy Holiness.
Joyful Righteousness in the laying down.
In the letting go.

Your peace is found.

I have to get this.

Life depends on the letting go.

So today, I have to let go of:

my bitter disappointment in not getting the djembe

my sadness over the fact that the only time my brother picks up the phone for me, is when he answers it in his sleep.

my fear and confusion over having a crush for the first time in 6 months.

Sir, Rend Her Heart.

Surrender heart.

Amazement

2009-04-30T21:07:00.002-04:00

a/maze/me[a]nt for finding my way home.

Working things out and in

2009-04-27T10:59:00.005-04:00

I hurt today.

Which means I should be writing in my Xanga, since this is my hopeful blog.

But I'd rather work it out here...in a hopeful place.

I killed my turtles.

Literally dehydrated them.

I feel really bad for killing them.

It helps to have something alive in my home.
& now I've caused it to die.

& now I need to get rid of their little shriveled bodies.

I feel like I'm the only living thing in this house...but I know God lives here too.
it just feels extra lonely this morning.

I've lived on my own for about 2 years now.

Oh God,

Where are you now?

In my kitchen?

Outback with the turtles?

I'm struggling with condemnation and I need you.

I have an interview today and I need you.

I'm breathing today; ergo, I need you.

::
::

And then last night.

Reunions bring back bitter memories.

I didn't realize I was still hurt, still withholding.

[but.i.am.]

I wasn't the pretty kid. Or the outgoing kid. Or the super chummy kid.

I was the painfully smart, awkward, hurting kid.

and my "leaders"?

rubbed.salt.into.my.wounds.instead.of.helping.me.

I wasn't interesting enough as a child to reach out to.
I hid my pain and was hard to relate to.

But I was hurting.

They made it worse.

& I had no idea I was still this...raw about it.

I buried the pain, the shame.

My old coping mechanism from childhood--now rearing its ugly head in broad daylight.

God healed me of my nightly recurring nightmare when I was about 10.
But another 5 years passed before He healed me in such a way to be able to allow others to touch me.

I didn't know how to touch or hug people until I was 15.

I remember some of the people I saw last night used to think I was weird b/c I wouldn't hug them.
They poked fun at me.

[like always]

If I wasn't ignored than I was being made fun of.

[and this was supposed to be Church???]

I needed to be helped and healed--I needed love! A severely depressed child, moving straight into bipolarism.

I was never supported by them emotionally.
or even in relation to going on missions trips.

And to be told I look the same as I did 6 years ago?
Ouch.

[salt slapping into wounds]

Oh God,

Where are you now?

in my 14-year-old heart?

in the dreading-to-go-to-youth-or-girl's-only?

My Child.

I've never left.

Not your 5 year old self.
Not your 14 year old self.

Not your 24 and a half year old self.

I AM here.

& I wont leave.

& I won't ignore your pain.

I AM healing.

I AM love.

Love is the first and greatest commandment. Love me. Love them. And yes, I will help you learn to love them more.

Remember child, ALL things work together for GOOD. I know you were wounded at Bay Life. I know you blame them for many things.

let.
it.
go.

It will destroy you if you try to hang onto your hurts and anger.
You already know this.

Take it.

All of it.

I am drowning in the past, even while you call me to live in the present.

Save me, Lord!

Give me your heart of love and compassion.

of forgiveness.

Oh God my Father. My helper.

Thank you for your unending love.
Thank you for helping me today and everyday.

Help me, oh help me.

Doors

2009-04-25T13:28:00.002-04:00

close]

& open [

for me, they've mostly stayed closed for the past 2 years.

Granted it was my self-[w]ill that caused much of my pain.

Yesterday morning was...testing.

I didn't get the job I interview for on Tuesday.
[I got a "Dear Jessica" e-mail instead]

My unemployment started paying me less
And somebody smashed my trash bin.

[always a lovely start to a morning]

& I thought "Is nothing sacred?"

God, you want me to trust you--and I do--but why is it so hard right now?
Why am I so stuck?

6 months.
180 days + and [not] counting.

Pacing outside.
Lifting weights.
Dancing it out.
Praying.

[crying]

Back inside.

Restless.

Seeking guidance [half]hearted

I opened my Bible on my desk and then started to pull up the daily devotional I read online.
A few minutes later, I felt I should look at where I opened my Bible to. [see previous post for connection]

Isaiah 35 [some verses omitted for the sake of space]

Even the wilderness and desert will rejoice in those days; the desert will blossom with flowers.
Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy!

With this news bring cheer to all discouraged ones. Encourage those who are afraid. Tell them,

"Be strong, fear not, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you."

And when He comes, He will open the eyes of the blind, and unstop the ears of the deaf. The lame man will leap up like a deer, and those who could not speak will shout and sing! Springs will burst forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert.

And a main road will go through that once-deserted land; it will be named "The Holy Highway." No evil-hearted men may walk upon it. God will walk there with you; even the most stupid cannot miss the way.

No lion will lurk along its course, nor will there be any other dangers; only the redeemed will travel there. These, the ransomed of the Lord, will go home along that road to Zion, singing the songs of the everlasting joy.

For them all sorrow and all sighing will be gone forever; only joy and gladness will be there."

::
::

And just like that--I was reminded of His unfailing love and mercy.

I went into Metropolitan Ministries and besides having a productive work day, I also had an interview set up for Monday for a Volunteer Coordinator position. It's only part-time, and I intend to be completely honest about my previous job and current financial situation. There's a rumor that I'm going to get the job--everyone was asking me about it.

Then I went to Lakeland for church--but regular church was canceled.

but I did get to see DM. [yay!] Books and coffee shops and long talks and walking...*contented sigh*

SO what started out as an awful day, turned into something good. I believe God's word.

And I believe He is here with me in the wilderness.

Hosea

2009-04-19T21:55:00.002-04:00

[song by Luke Wood--register to download it free and a whole AMAZING Free Worship Album from IHOP]

I remember when I led you out of Egypt, my love.
Through the dry and desert places we once walked, my love.
How could I forget the kindness of your youth, my love?
I remember the covenant we made, my love.

And though you forget me, I will not forget you.
And though you forget me, I will yet allure you.

For I said long ago I would hedge up your way.
Put thorns on every side, and now you wonder why you're feeling pain.

I am building all around you a wall of resistance.
But it's unto your redemption and it comes through true repentance.

We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.

We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
But this time it ends in the Garden of Eden

I remember when I led you out of bondage, my love.
Wonderful things I did your sight, my love.
My own special treasure, and yes!
On you--I've set my love.

But the more you were called, the more you went astray...

And though you forget me, I will not forget you.
And though you forget me, I will yet allure you.

As in the days of your youth, once again you will sing
Like when I brought you out of Egypt and carried you on eagle's wings
And in the latter days you will fear the Lord and tremble at my goodness
Who is this leaning on her Beloved, coming from the Wilderness?

We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.

We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
But this time it ends in the Garden of Eden

We're going back to the Wilderness, where it all began.
Back to the place where we first met.

That dry and desert place will blossom like a rose
And that valley of shame will be a door of Hope!

i HAVE to believe...

2009-04-16T22:05:00.002-04:00

And we know (see or to perceive by any of the senses) that all things (everything) work together (partner/co-labor with; synergy ) for GOOD to them that love (agape) God, to them who are the called (the divinely appointed; the invited to the banquet of God) according to His purpose (setting forth).

-Romans 8:28

Thoughts on working with the transgendered population:

2009-04-14T23:24:00.003-04:00

To me, I think most gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered individuals have heard that what they are doing is "sick, wrong, evil" etc. I think they have especially heard those kind of things from people who call themselves Christians.

The underlying issue is not that their sexually "confused."

The underlying need is not some "name it, claim it, God will make you straight if you quit living in sin" deal.

These are real people.

What they need from [real] Christians is:

.love.

[God's love]

not condemnation.

Let's be clear:

Sin is sin.

Overeating, lying, being a bad steward of our money and time, and sexual immorality (both hetero and homo)---they're all the same.

Brokenness is still brokenness--no matter the form.

Freedom for most of us, is a process--it takes baby steps and love and encouragement to move forward to the freedom Jesus gives. Most of us come into a relationship with Christ carrying some wounds and baggage.

God will deal with issues in His timing.

We need to be sensitive to this.

Judgmental spirits and our preconceived hierarchy of sin will only cause more damage.

We aren't doing God any favors by treating GLBT people with contempt.

Just because their brokenness is more obvious than others doesn't mean we should point at it.

[oh our log-filled eyes!]

God,

I want to love.
BIG

I want to give.
MORE

I want to grace and encourage the hurting.

As I work with the homeless, the hungry, the mentally ill, the HIV+, the GLBT, the battered and abused, immigrants, and those in desperate financial need--let me be Your hands. Your feet.

Oh God, give me words of life to share to the hurting. Help me be sensitive to your Spirit so I can convey your gentle kindness.

Help me to be light and salt.

Remind me to pray always in the spirit.

Thank you for your love.

Please let me be a seed-planter...a hope-giver...a light-maker

to the lost
to the dying
to the hurting
to the needy
to the broken

to Your children.

A Day of Horror for the Man of Sorrow

2009-04-10T23:19:00.000-04:00

It's Friday, but Sunday's coming!

Pesach, Anniversaries and Fraternity

2009-04-07T23:25:00.000-04:00

I ♥ Pesach (Passover).

I love how what we refer to as Maundy Thursday or the Last Supper is really just Jesus fulfilling Jewish prophecy.

I love that when he was speaking of it being His body and blood it was during the third cup of wine (grape juice) which is the Cup of Redemption.

I love that the Afikomen demonstrates Jesus--broken bread, hidden, then brought to light again.

I love the concept of Dayenu (it would have been sufficient).

I love that Jesus became our Pesach lamb.

:::
:::

Anniversaries

Today is my parents' 33rd anniversary.

They are still very much in love.

33 years ago they stood in line to get married.

A few hours later, they had another ceremony
[to which my dad was late]

I love how they love each other, even though it's still weird for me because I'm their kid.

I want a marriage love like theirs.

:::
:::

Fraternity

Wake up!!!

Oh Please, Wake up!!

The house is on fire, WAKE UP!!!

I'm holding my breath for both of us, but my lungs feel like they're going to burst.

In the past 9 years, Jaime, you've just about used up all your 9 lives.

Jaime.

JAIME!!!

-sickness and surgeries
-3 tours of Iraq
-gunner off the back of a helicopter
-in helicopter crash where plane chopped in half in midair
-found staged suicide fellow Marine
-tour of Afghanistan
-ambulance runs for wounded/dead soldiers
-one of closest friends died in car accident
-Jonathan's accident

And now this.

Drunk driver hits you. He goes to jail and your car goes to the shop.

And you?

YOU.STILL.DONT.GET.IT.

God wants you back. And each time, he's graciously spared you from almost all physical harm.

You get scratches and bruises while others get body bags.

How much longer until something like what happened to Jonathan happens to you?

When will your 9 lives run out?

Will I get a call about you one day?

God wants your attention, Jaime.

And instead of re-turning to God, you get angrier and set your face like flint against God.

Jaime...my pet name for you...Jaime.

Your whole life--God has been chasing you--and so have I.

Jaime, I've always wanted something to tie us together because DNA has never been enough of a bond for us.

The bonds of fraternity are tenuous.

I want more.

& every time I see you, it's like you're a stranger.

A stranger with shared DNA.

& I know your phone was on, because I was taking a nap at mom's when you called her.
[why won't you talk to me?]

I've always loved you--through the tattling and terror--

I say, "I love you," when we do talk on the phone-

at least 8 times out of 10, you don't say "I love you" back.

[that hurts]

And you'll never read this.
And if you ever did, you'd sigh really loudly and get defensive.

I just want you to know freedom for once in your life.

It's not in the bottom of a bottle, or in bed or in work or anything except Jesus Christ.

I just want you to know your family loves you in spite of our flaws--including Dad.

I just want you to know:

I love you.

Because of God...

2009-04-06T21:07:00.003-04:00

who has faithfully kept his word,
The Holy of Israel, who has chosen you.

God also says:

When the time's ripe, I answer you.
When victory's due, I help you.

I form you and use you
to reconnect the people with me,
to put the land in order,
to resettle families on the ruined properties.

I tell prisoners, "Come on out. You're free!"
and those huddled in fear, "It's all right. It's safe now."

There'll be foodstands along all the roads,
picnics on the hills--

Nobody hungry, nobody thirsty,
shade from the sun, shelter from the wind.

For the Compassionate One guides them,
takes them to the best springs.

Heavens, raise the roof!
Earth, wake the dead!
Mountains, send up cheers!

God has comforted his people.
He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people.

The Message
Isaiah 49:7-11, 13

April's desires

2009-04-01T22:26:00.004-04:00

It is April.

I have so much on my heart--so many burdens I keep giving back to the Lord.

I've found the job I want to do--and I love doing it.

The only problem is, I'm not getting paid.

I love volunteering at Metropolitan Ministries.

I love the old black ladies on staff, with their love, hugs and big smiles.

I love working in the kitchen, the market, Outreach, prayer card project. I want to try tutoring in Adult Education and working with the Academy and GED programs and also with counseling clients.

I love how the counselors treat the clients with respect--homeless, ex-cons, homosexuals, transvestites, people with obvious addictions and emotional/spiritual problems.

I love how the passion for the lost isn't about beating the Gospel into someone's head or confusing them with Christian-ese.

I love stacking canned goods and talking to residents.

I love that Metropolitan Ministries has residents or else there would be more people living on the streets.

I love that the residents are required to volunteer in different areas within MM.

I love seeing hope come into the eyes of a woman with 5 kids and no food as she sees her shopping cart fill up with groceries that she picked out.

I love how the staff loves Jesus.

I love the flexibility and practicality of Metropolitan Ministries.

I like that I can do something different every time I come...that is if someone hasn't "reserved" me to help them.

I love being able to say "God bless you" and really meaning it.

This--This is what I want to do.

This is real ministry to me--hands-on, messy, practical--tired feet and prayerful heart.

I have about ZERO desire to job hunt anymore. I'm doing what I want to do in life, and it's interesting and heart-breaking and encouraging and strenuous and purposeful.

We're supposed to feed the hungry, heal the sick, clothe the naked, help the needy and orphans and widows (single moms too). That is the Gospel--the Good News in tangible form.

But.

I just can't live off unemployment forever. I could technically be one of the people there RECEIVING services, not extending services.

I'm still stuck.

I've been allowed to move forward in volunteering with MM, but not with work (the Youth and Family Alternatives didn't call me back)

And after working here, I can't take a ho-hum, answering phones or flipping burgers kind of job. I don't think I'm supposed to either.

But it's April.

And in a few weeks, it will be 6 months since I lost my job.

6 months.

It really hurts sometimes.

[especially lately]

It's really lonely sometimes.

[especially lately]

I just pray that God will open a door for me and make it abundantly clear that it's what I need to do.

I'd like to share

2009-03-24T19:55:00.004-04:00

some new indie music with you...especially Mary. Mary, if you don't like this guy's music, then I don't know you at all and we can't be friends.

[ahem. Just kidding, folks]

So, anyway...

I challenge you all to listen to Casey Hurt's music . I especially like the song "Come to Me."

If you listen to it, let me know what you think!

Awed by God

2009-03-23T00:58:00.006-04:00

oh Maker-of-Night-Sky--
--You breathe---

I come to life!

You speak---

The world becomes!

& I?

I am small-full.
.awe-full.

I want to gather up all of the ocean in my arms-- clutch it to my breast--
if only because Your voice is upon the waters.

I want to interlace my fingers with the hand of the next person I meet--
if only because they are created in Your image.

I want to lie in the sand, feeling it mold into the shape of my body--
if only because you have known and numbered small, small me.

Me!

Oh Maker-Of-Night-Sky...how is it that you have known my name before time?

Known that my parents would discuss and disagree before finally naming me Jessica?

Oh Maker-Of-Night-Sky...how vast your mind must be! To number the stars, the sand--

and still consider the hairs on my head and the tears from my eyes worth counting too!

[Do you simply like counting?]

And more amazing still--you know my inmost being.

My mind turning and reeling right now, trying to right You something to explain how I feel--
And You are aware of these thoughts--You know what I will write

[and you know how to write it better]

The Psalmist was right--it is too amazing!

Too beautiful!

Tongues

2009-03-22T23:34:00.006-04:00

I've been struggling with this all week. How to write about this...how to express what God's heart is about this (as best as I can make out).

I'm talking about the gift of the Holy Spirit...particularly the part about the manifestation of speaking in other "tongues."

I know this was brought up in Bible study. I was pretty determined not to say anything.

[fail]

To be perfectly frank with you, the way it was talked about really hurt me.

It felt like someone was putting down or discounting my best friend. I felt really sad, to be honest, which is why I'm writing this.

Ok, let me start at the beginning of your concerns/disinterest.

1. "I saw someone doing it and it was weird." or "They tried to make me speak in tongues like them." or "The person I saw doing it was a really bad person."

Believe me, growing up in Pentecostal churches, I have seen this gift abused.

And on behalf of the gift itself, and for those of us that have received it and try not to abuse it--

I'm very sorry.

I wish you hadn't had a bad experience...but let me tell you something very important:

Satan will use anything to keep you from this gift. Misgivings, fear, indifference. Why? Because he knows it's the power of God--it's the Holy Spirit using Christians to pray God's perfect will. It's for intercession.

He hates that, and he'll use bad experiences, faulty doctrine about this gift no longer being in use, and fear to stop believers from receiving this blessing from God.

So what is speaking in tongues? What's the deal?

Well, when Jesus left earth, he promised to send "The Comforter" (The Holy Spirit). He said "It's better that I leave, that way The Comforter can come."

And why does He come? What's His purpose?

In John 16, Jesus lays it out:

When the Comforter (Holy Spirit) comes, He'll:

expose error
convince the world of its sins
guide us (Christians) into all truth
show us things about the future
glorify Jesus and bring Him honor

In Acts 1, Jesus is sharing His last thoughts before His Ascension.

He says "When the Holy Spirit comes upon you, you will receive power to testify about me with great effect...to the ends of the earth."

On the Day of Pentecost, the Holy Spirit came to those in the Upper Room. You can find the whole account in Acts 2. Tongues of fire were on their heads and they began to speak in other languages. Many people were saved that day when Peter preached, full of the new power he had just received.

All throughout the book of Acts, as I'm sure many of you remember from when we spent a year in that book, the apostles prayed for people to be filled with the Holy Spirit. When they did, it almost always says that they "spoke in other tongues."

In 1 Corinthians 14, Paul talks further about this gift to the church of Corinth. His advice is good. It sounds like some of you have experienced what the people in the church of Corinth were doing--speaking in tongues publicly, but no one interpreting or explaining what the Spirit was saying. Paul wrote to them to put an end to that. He also talked about the importance of prophecy, but I'll skip my spiel on prophecy for now. Paul said he was glad that "he spoke in tongues more than all of you."

Speaking in tongues in your private prayer time and in a service where someone can interpret is wonderful.

Speaking in tongues builds up your inner Spirit.

Speaking in tongues allows you to pray God's perfect will, without your own thoughts/motives/desires getting in the way.

Speaking in tongues is a blessing--a rich blessing and it brings intimacy with God that regular spoken prayer does not.

What else?

The Father says "Ask, and it will be given to you."

Jesus says, "What father, if his son asks for bread gives him a stone? If you being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Father give good gifts to them that ask?"

If Jesus said the Comforter would bring all these things, then I want that in my life.
If Paul talked about how speaking in tongues brings greater intimacy with God, then I want that in my life.

If this gift of the Holy Spirit, manifested by the apostles speaking in tongues, changed the entire world in the 1st century, then I want that gift!

The gifts of the Holy Spirit are not something to be afraid of--that kind of fear is not from God. It is the Enemy trying to keep you from one of God's wonderful gifts.

It's not something to be made fun of--it is the Spirit of God.

He (the Holy Spirit) brings joy!

He is good! Like, for real good...not just cliche good.

What is it like?

uhhh....it's good, first off. Have you ever tried to explain why being a Christian is good and beneficial and what it feels like to a non-believer? You already know how good it is, but sometimes it's hard to put it into words. You wouldn't want that goodness to leave your life, right?

Well...it's pretty much the same emotion once you receive this gift. It's a blessing. God, Jesus, prophets, apostles--they all talked about it. Therefore, it must be pretty important.

But let me describe it generally. You’re aware of your surroundings...you’re not really out of control, or in some trance or anything. It basically is a couple of different ways for me (for me, at least).

1. When I am earnestly praying in tongues, it feels like a tightening in my stomach-area. My whole body feels like it's concentrating on getting out the words.
2. When I am praying in the "background" (driving, working, Bible study, wherever/whenever I think to do it), it's kind of like multi-tasking with your brain. I can pray in tongues in my head on the backburner, and still carry on a conversation or drive or do a task, all while praying quietly.

A Few more things--hang in there!

In Romans 8, it talks about when you don't know what to pray--and your Spirit intercedes for you in "groanings which cannot be uttered."

There are many times I don't know how to pray for a situation. There are times when I'm too emotional to try to formulate a prayer. Praying in tongues is God's gift for these situations. You pray His will--not yours. His words--not Yours.

It takes you out of the equation. Which is good, because we are fallible...and He isn't.

If there's one thing I could ask of you, pray about it. In English (or Spanish or whatever your primary language is).

Please don't dismiss it so simply. Please don't be too busy or too wary or too whatever to look deeper into this gift. I know it may look strange, but be encouraged! God gives good gifts to His children--and we are His children! He loves us.

Like the gift of salvation and baptism, the infilling of the Holy Spirit, shown by speaking in tongues is important.

It's life-changing.

I really believe that God wants to give it to each of His children. You can pray for it and God can fill you when you're by yourself at home. God can use someone to pray with you to receive this gift. There isn't some special formula to receive it. It's a gift--He won't force it on you. But trust me--it helps. It is something you want--even if you don't realize it yet.

I promise.

Disparity

2009-03-20T00:04:00.003-04:00

I begin to really see the disparity [despair-ity]

working at Metropolitan Ministries
living at poverty level financially
unemployment
no healthcare

This.world.has.NOTHING.to.offer.but.

false hope

Obama can't save us.
Money and jobs won't save us.
Religion won't save us.

I've seen and experienced so much despair in my short life.

[then Hope came dancing out of the rafters]

& I was saved.

Given life.

[for the 82nd time]

Sometimes I look back at all the stuff I've done--the bad choices, the sin, the grief I put myself through...

...all because I wanted my way over God's way.

The worst punishment God could give us is to let us go our own way.

He gives Life, and that more abundantly.

Hope--real Hope--is only found in Jesus.
Love--real Love--is only found in Jesus.

Disparity becomes a choice.

my old life vs. my new life

sin vs. redemption

light vs. darkness

death vs. life

I choose Hope.
I choose Life.

To God--my-Finder

2009-03-17T23:18:00.004-04:00

Oh-God-that-restores-me

Oh-God-my-Finder

I wander away
meandering my way along the scenic route to hell.

I.lose.sight.of.you.

but You!

You never lose sight of me!

Your eyes pierce the darkness
You look steadily at me until my heart begins

to

melt

off

the

darkness

the sin, the selfishness

the arrogance.

Oh-God-My-Finder

You are the God of the 82nd chance!

You are the God that does not bring up my past faults!

Oh God, my God!

Keep me from the cheap substitutes!
These empty idols that creep into my life

I don't want other lovers.
I don't want other gods.

Rebellion was in my heart, but God, in His lovingkindness

drove

it out with his rod of discipline!

I've tried so many things, God.

so.many.things.

but they only decimated my life
they brought destruction

but you!

You bring Life!

You are the Great Blood Donor and Phlebotomist, rolled into one!

Sometimes I still crave the easy, instant-gratification ways of old.
But they can't fulfill me.

not like You do.

Oh God, my Fulfillment God!

I tried it all and it is NOTHING compared with You.

It only confuses.

Nothing from this world could help.

Mercy did.
Grace did.

Love--real Love--did.

[You did]

Interview Update

2009-03-16T19:47:00.002-04:00

I think the interview with Youth and Family Alternatives went ok. It's pretty much exactly what I want to do...and I want the job.

So my prayer is that if it's the job God wants for me, it will work out.

Presto. Simple.

Now is the waiting part.

[my favorite]

With Metropolitan Ministries...the jobs they are currently hiring for aren't quite up my alley, or I'm not qualified for. So for now, I'm volunteering there a couple times a week.

Please be praying

2009-03-12T09:52:00.002-04:00

I don't know who read this blog besides DeeDee and Mary--but I have a prayer request:

I have my first job interview today.

And then I have something like another job interview tomorrow.

Today is with Youth and Family Alternatives. Honestly, I don't remember applying to work for them--but then I've applied so many places...They called me twice yesterday to set up an interview.

Yesterday Rebecca Preston and I volunteered bright and early at Metropolitan Ministries. We were up to our elbows (quite literally, I assure you) in frozen raw chicken. We processed and seasoned anywhere from 30-50 pounds of chicken for one of their kitchens. We also made ginormous salads to feed a few hundred. The kitchen ladies officially labeled us the "salad girls"--we made pretty salads and so obviously enjoyed cutting the veggies.

We went to go set up another time for next week and had to stop in the director's office (we hadn't met him previously). He's a Christian and we got to talking. I'm really excited about what they are doing--and I want to help. However, he brought up the idea of working for Metro Min--I meet with him tomorrow to volunteer and talk some more.

So--I feel less stuck.

I hope I'm less stuck.

I still feel on hold about Invisible Children--which is hard since their events are coming next month and they need help.

I'm just asking that if one of these opportunities is supposed to become my place of work--that God will be all over it. It'll be so obvious, so simple for both parties. I believe that when I get offered the right position, that I will know that "this is it".

So my interview is at 2pm today

Tomorrow I'm scheduled to go to Metropolitan Ministries at 12:30pm.

Please be praying.

If you read my blog, leave a comment. I'd like to know who is reading :)

One Liners on Beauty

2009-03-10T23:10:00.009-04:00

I decided to see if I could use one line from a song to describe each of these pictures I took--here goes:

You are the one my heart is waiting for...

Hey Look! Here I am--Life is waiting to begin!

You are the Way--when the way is unknown--You are the Truth when the truth is not told...

Praise the Lord, oh my soul! And let all that's within me praise His name!

Beautiful man! Beautiful God!
You're more than worth my time!
You're more than worth these longings of my heart left unfulfilled

Those who sow in tears will reap with joyful shouting!

Like a flower after winter storm, Your love has no limit at all

You paint the sky for me to see--Your majesty is why I sing!

So this is a love song to You.

Over and over You prove Yourself Faithful--You prove Yourself a Redeemer!

Hallelujah for the Tabebuia

2009-03-08T18:50:00.003-04:00

Oh Shadowlands! How I love thee!
For God but SPOKE and there you were!
Trees dancing, singing free--free!

Oh God of the Shadowland!
Come, illuminate--show us your path!
Walk with us hand in hand!

Come nearer, oh God of heaven and earth!
Come with your bright-morning yellow hope!
Come, Lord--fill your children with your mirth!

Oh God who made the Tabebuia
Fill our hearts with your great hope
And we will raise a song of Hallelujah!

Yellow is the color of hope
The Tabebuia blooms before spring begins

It comes, waving its branches like a flag
shedding its blooms with an air of victory
Singing, Singing

Spring is coming!
Sing, world, Sing!
Blaze your colors for the coming of Easter!

Winter is ending
Death is crumbling
New life is here!

Sing for Hope, Sing for Life!
That which was dead in the ground
Has been reborn--Come! Make a joyful sound!

Yes, earth, sing! Sing!
Sing your spring song to the Passover Lamb
Sing to our Risen King--the Great I AM.

A list of Thanks to the Great Phlebotomist

2009-03-03T00:03:00.003-05:00

Jesus rescued me
More than once
I have a home--both here and there
I have food
Clothing
Electricity
Grace
Chocolate
Parents that love and pray for me
Singleness
Job (the one God has yet to bring me into)
Great friends
Healing

Oh God,

Your goodness--oh my goodness!

My goodness is nothing compared to your goodness.

You transfuse Grace and Love into our lives, through your own shed blood

You are the Great Phlebotomist!

Oh Great Phlebotomist, how simply you give of yourself to me.

And how difficult I make it!

Contriving and Striving

I try to make this thing called Life-In-You work
[my way]

oh how I fail!
And how weak it makes me!

Oh Great Phlebotomist, transfuse new life into me

Make me a cleaner, better, wholler (holier) person
[please]

Help me not be offended when others hurt me

Help me give your Hope to the hopeless
Your Love to the loveless
Your Grace to the graceless

Please keep your children warm and safe-in-you tonight.

Amen.

2009-03-02T23:58:00.001-05:00

Oh Grace,

You surprise me.

A shout for the daylight of our God

2009-02-27T13:41:00.003-05:00

oh God how you move!

How immeasurably deep are your wells--of love, of grace, of resources

of strength!

How well you provide for your children
How much you desire to teach and bless and discipline and speak to them!

How beautiful, how beautiful are your ways!

So beyond comprehension--beyond understanding and intellect.

You are the only True thing in life.
You are the True, the Mighty.

Oh God-my-Provider, God-my-Savior--

what good things you have for us!

How often we distort them, miss them, abuse them

Oh God--forgive your people!
Forgive me for not trusting you
For not loving you as a I ought.

You are good, God, and your love endures forever.
Turn our hearts to you--break us down and then build us up.

Oh God-my-Father, thank you for loving silly, little humans like me.

Take my heart, Lord and seal it--tie us together with the bonds of love--
I have this bad habit of letting go of you--and then blaming you for it...
Help me, oh God, help me.

Teach me, of God, teach me.

[love me]

"After night comes alight--dawn is here,
Dawn is here!
It's a new day! A new Day!

Everything will change--things will never be the same!
We will never be the same, we will never be the same!"

The Glory of it All-David Crowder Band

Ash Wednesday

2009-02-25T23:34:00.002-05:00

Was beautiful.

Beautiful liturgy.

Beautiful words, pouring, pouring over my soul.

The Exhortation--The Confession--The Readings--

all of it.

The responsive prayer when we receive our ashes:

P: Accomplish in us, O God, the work of your salvation.
C: that we may show forth your glory in the world.

P: By the cross and Passion of your Son, our Lord,
C: bring us with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.

[ Yes. ]

Communion Invitation:

P: Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.
C: Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.

And the sending:

P: Go forth into the world to serve God with gladness; be of good courage; hold fast to that which is good; render to no one evil for evil; strengthen the fainthearted; support the weak; help the afflicted; honor all people; love and serve God, rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit.

C: Thanks be to God.

Oh God, Where Are You Now?

2009-02-24T15:25:00.004-05:00

(In Pickerel Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)

& I did not watch the Presidential address this evening.

I cannot watch him splaying his false hope to this desperate masses.

We want him to give us answers, results.

We get swept up in believing he really can.

Sorry, America, he is a man--not God.

I cannot eat anymore of his false hope--it is like swallowing chocolate covered poison.

It festers in your body even while the taste of chocolate lingers in your mouth.

America is looking to you, Mr. President. Many are throwing their last whispers of hope onto you.

But I?

I will not trust in Obama or government programs--

no, I will place my trust in the name of the Lord.

My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Mr. President, do not give your people a sense of hope that will soon turn to hopelessness.

Do not promise what you cannot deliver.

And if you do promise what you cannot deliver, I pray that it will turn people into the arms of the only real Hope this world will ever know.

:::
:::

I am being slammed around in the storm this week. So many tears. So many fears.

So much grief and turmoil.

While driving home from taking a test for employment, I came across this:

Photo Courtesy of ABC News

This is a picture of one of many black caskets and skeletons in Grim Reaper costume out in front of University Community Hospital

(which is also on a major highway in Tampa)

Big signs proclaimed:

"GRAVE PROBLEMS AT UNIVERSITY COMMUNITY HOSPITAL"

The Sheet Metal Workers Union was protesting the poor healthcare provided at this hospital, as well as the large number of medical malpractice that has been discovered and poor doctors' ratings.

But I was GRIEVED.

GRIEVED.

Half a dozen coffins--Grim Reapers....in front of a hospital!!

My God!

Have Mercy!

I couldn't believe my eyes. So my eyes protested with water.

To imagine the Newmans driving to see Jonathan when he was in ICU--and there are coffins outside the hospital and skeletons.

A mock funeral of sorts.

To the young teen who is trying to show he is not afraid as his friends drive him to the hospital.

To a little girl going to the hospital for chemotherapy.

To the mother in labor.

To the ones who can't read English to understand what all this DEATH means.

To the old man going to visit his dying wife.

Such insensitivity!

Such callousness!

I called my mom--and after crying and praying...I drove back to go and speak to the people who were protesting.

They were not rude or mean to me.
They want to facilitate change.
They want to help bring serious concerns into the light.

So they gave me their paper on what they are protesting about--and I began to explain that I am grateful that they care--understanding and empathetic that they want to see improvement in healthcare.

But I don't agree with their delivery.

The two older guys referred me to a man in a Grim Reaper costume--making him appear to be about 7 feet tall, who was waving his arms near the turn for the hospital entrance.

I beelined my way to him.

I couldn't see his face or hands.

I told him that his method of delivery is hurting the people he would like to protect. He is causing them and their families grief.

I explained that an older woman from my church, Ms. B---, is in there with pneumonia. Her husband and daughter and grandchildren--I know them all. And presumably, they will be driving here today to see her. The idea of them seeing all this death, with their loved one so ill--it's disgusting.

Grim Reaper then began to rant (politely) about people who don't have healthcare and how the hospitals should take care of them better.

I told him, "Listen, I lost my job. I haven't had healthcare in 4 months. I have lung and esophagael conditions that require medication. I understand the troubles of not having healthcare."

Grim Reaper and his buddies have good healthcare, according to their paper.

I told him he's hurting innocent people--not helping them right now. Giving out information on the hospital's inaquacies and how to "blow the whistle" when there is medical malpractice--that is good. That is noble and right. But placing coffins and parading in death-like outfits in front of a place where many people are legitimately ill---that is emotionally ravaging to innocent people.

He basically told me the only way they were leaving was unless something would change, and that I should express my concerns about the hospital's patient care to the hospital itself.

Yes, I'm concerned about this poor-rating hospital.
But, I'm more concerned about Grim Reaper and his buddies, signs and coffins.

He is the one bringing distress.
Protest somewhere else--not in front of the hospital.
Do you realize someone lost a loved one there today?
And they have to drive past you waving to try to give them your brochure?

You cannot bring about life by masquerading as death.

Your message IS your delivery.
If you deliver a message about God's love, but speak with condemnation, what do you think people will hear?

If you want to change the healthcare of University Community Hospital, but put coffins and images of death outside its doors, what will the patients hear?

Fear.
Outrage.
Concern.

Aren't the patients dealing with enough grief without having to hear about this?
Aren't the worried family members scared enough?

Would you want your five year old to drive past coffins and skeletons to go see Granny in the hospital?

Would you want your eight year old with a broken arm to be taken to an Emergency Room where out the window she can see a man in a 7 foot tall Grim Reaper costume?

People are worried enough.
They are scared.

The sheet metal workers may have good and noble intentions with this protest...but I tell you, it hurts.

I cried so much.

These past two days have ravaged my soul.

I'm crying out, "God! God! Help the downtrodden! The poor, the weak, the hurting!"

Help us, Lord!

The government gives us false hope and treats us like a pawn.
The healthcare industry does not care for us unless we have insurance.
The people protesting use examples of people like me to put down a hospital in an awful way.

God, how long will we--the poor, the unemployed, the uninsured, the "lowly"--how long will be used as pawns by all these organizations?

We are people.

We have individual needs.

We are bruised from being moved around so much on the chessboard.

We are tired of going from agency to agency--from red tape to more red tape.

We are disgusted with those that are prostesting to "protect us", but cause distress and pain to us.

Oh God, God--I have the Hope of you.

I hurt so much for those that are in my situation without the hope of you.

oh God--God--there is such hopelessness--caused by organizations and industries that try to help.

Oh God--please--bring people to you--to your hope.

Oh God--help me. I feel so weighted down by these past two days.

[out]rage

2009-02-23T23:03:00.003-05:00

I had quite the shock today.

[quite, and i was not quiet about it]

I never received a W-2 from my last company but managed to get one sent online to me.

I've been eager to file my taxes all year--

I wanted to process my claim so I can have some extra $$$.

My unemployment has been screwed up and I haven't been paid in over a month, so a little $$$ would be nice right about now.

I go online and start processing my claim. The beautiful numbers light up in green, showing how much the government will be paying me.

[excellent]

It even had this little thing that said "Since you lost your job last year, we will work hard to get you the largest claim."

Well, I had to put in my unemployment information (a 10-99 G)

Suddenly
the.green.numbers.

p
l
u
m
m
e
t
e
d

and then

they went into the RED

showing how much I now OWE the US government.

Unemployment wages aren't taxed in most states.

How can I describe this?
I feel sick--sick to my stomach.

To my heart.

such a heaviness
hopelessness

I started crying.

and RAGING.

how can they rape us like this?

They give us 1/4 of our normal wages to "help" tide us over.

They make you go through all these steps and hoops and rigamorale.

They hold back your unemployment compensation for the stupidest things and are practically impossible to get in touch with.

So you stand there, hat-in-hand, taking the dole.
shamed.

AND THEN THEY ASK FOR IT BACK!!!

What kind of Indian giving is that?

US government,

you wrong your people.

you hurt your people.

We have felt the shame and wariness and fear of unemployment.

We have felt the belt tighten.

We have held out hands of wounded pride for your money.

Government
of the people
for the people
by the people

why do you rape your people of their hope?

What about the woman with medical bills that was looking forward to using her tax rebate to pay them off?

What about the young man who has student loans and rent and is running low on Ramen noodles?

What about the older man who cannot find work and has watched his 401K disappear?

What about the mom who was going to use her tax return to give her child a big birthday present?

What about your people???

You give us money, then you want it back.
You give us money, but do not warn us to save it, since you will want so much of it back.

You give us money, and we look forward to getting a tax return, and then find out we owe YOU money.

Haven't you taken enough?

Your greed has robbed our families!!

I grieve for the people you rob of hope.

For the people that went through what I went through today. That awful sinking realization that not only are you not getting money back, you have to pay out too.

I was only unemployed 2 months last year. I watched all my rebate disappear and then come up short. What about the ones who have been looking for months?

What about me next year??

You see, Government, I have Hope in Jesus Christ. Not in my money. This is what I am learning much deeper from you.

But there are people who do not have this Hope.

And you take what little Hope they have and demand more

We cannot give you more!!

We have no more to give you--you have taken it all--

I am so angry at you, Government.

Your incompetency screams loudly.

My Hope cannot be in you.
It cannot be in Obama.

You give false hope.
You make us cry bitterly.

You take our dignity, our dollars.

Your false hope smells of despair.

I have cried much today
more for the ones without Hope

The ones you sweet-talked and then raped.

May God judge you--not me.

America, what has become of you?

Is this how you help your "huddled masses"?

You give us just enough money to barely pay rent and car insurance. No more than that--and I have more bills than that.

I believe you will have to answer for the hurt and grief you have caused with your "help."

I can't believe I owe you money.

Haven't you taken enough?

Listen closely, America.

I have no hope in you.
Not you, not Obama, not America.

I have Hope only in Jesus Christ.
He saves people--and not just half-way.
He isn't an Indian giver.

What He gives is forever.

And these are the words I sang from the old hymn while crying in the shower:

Jesus, lover of my soul, let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide, till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide; O receive my soul at last.

Other refuge have I none, hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone, still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed, all my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head with the shadow of Thy wing.

Plenteous grace with Thee is found, grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound; make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art, freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart; rise to all eternity.

Gihon

2009-02-22T23:57:00.002-05:00

If you had asked me what I thought my first few years after college would look like, I can guarantee I would never have thought it would like it has. My falling away, working at meaningless jobs, more falling away, unemployment, etc, etc etc.

But I have got to tell you--His grace really is sufficient.

I know His word says it is--but sometimes knowing what the Bible says isn't enough.

It has to be infused into your Spirit.

I know I'm in a holding pattern, and because I know this, I can have joy.

Not shame over unemployment.
Not constant frustration.
Not despair over my health.

God has already paid the price for my healing--for all healing. I believe this year will be a year of healing.

I really do.

And it may not look like I think it will look like.

But I can tell you this:

I haven't been needing my acid reflux meds every single day for the past few months.
I still need them some days--but not every day. And I still have some left--even after 4 months w/ no health care.

I'm praying and hoping than when they are all finally gone--so will my hiatal hernia, acid reflux and gastritis and the damage it has caused my body.

And my lung problems--I think I've had bronchitis again recently. Each time I've gotten it, it has wreaked havoc on my system--but this time--I'm in better shape than the last 2 times I've had it. And I haven't used up all my lungs meds.

I'm praying that one day I won't need lung medicine anymore. That this chronic bronchitis and bronchial inflammation will be gone one day.

soon

I'm in a holding pattern and I want to get to know my Savior. I need to know Him more--I don't believe the times ahead are going to get any easier.

But I have a Hope.

So I set my love upon you
No expectation
Only revelation
I set my love upon you

And my salvation is to see your face.

a [long] letter to D.H. Lawrence

2009-02-21T19:19:00.004-05:00

Oh David,

How sad you've made me! I'm still disappointed, but it's more than that. I'm sad for you. So so sad, David.

You and your obscenity...pornography...nihilism...

David, even your version of freedom is so full of fear and skepticism and suspicion and...well, sin, to be frank.

Your last great novel--posthumously published--is this your version of life? What you and your lover had?

Even your version of "love" (or should I just say "sex"?) is so...depressing.

You are right--sex is a beautiful thing--a way to be close to someone like no other way.

but you're wrong if you think sex can hold people together happily for long.

David, David, I grieve for you!

There is deep meaning in life--
--and while there would be no life without sex,
the meaning of life isn't about sex.

It's about a God you didn't believe in.

David, did no one adequately explain what "Christianity" means?

Did you see false piety and meaningless liturgy?
Were you hurt by church people?

David, I know what it's like to feel hopeless. To feel meaningless.

Cynical.

I am so sad you missed the truth.

The real meaning.

I'm so sorry you settled for the lesser things and were never fully satisfied.

David, I wish I could step back in time and somehow give you hope.
The Hope.

The Only Hope.

I don't want a life like yours--or like Lady Chatterly's or Mellors or Sir Clifford.

You missed out on the greatest Love affair--

sufficiently more satisfying than illicit sex

David, you made sensuality into a false god. I've done it too. I just felt hungrier and hungrier and emptier and emptier.

I tried more and more to try to fill the hunger. I took it all in--bloated but never satisfied. I too was mistrusting and fearful and ravenous and demanding and selfish.

It's so full of death. That road is a road to death.

David, I read your book and it makes me want to choose Life even more.

I saw the futility of Lady Chatterly and the others--
saw it and cried out for the hopelessness of people like them.

People like you were, David.

David, I'm not judging you--no, I have no place to do that. I only know that I tried the route you described...I felt the excitement, the "life" surging through me during those times, but let me tell you--I was always empty after.

I choose Life now. And it is satisfying. My life is missing many things I would like--job, healthcare, husband, children--

but I am still satisfied!

Even in my "void" I am more full than I ever was when I took the sensual route.

Sex is not the deepest life--
Life goes further back than sex.

God made Adam from his breath--not intercourse.
God's breath--God's essence and Spirit--that is where deepest Life lies.

And that is where I want to draw my deepest life from--from the Maker of all Life

people will let you down

lovers may leave
friends may fail

but God--He never forsakes nor fails His children.

His Love is from everlasting to everlasting.

EDIT::

My devotional from Oswald Chambers for today addresses this very thing:

If human love does not carry a man beyond himself, it is not love. If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculation, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all. It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it.

You Win

2009-02-19T00:27:00.002-05:00

you win.

theendinthebeginning.

wrappppped into One [won]

i harden my heart and get flustered and angry and vengeful in spirit--

&

.you come.

.you poke.

.you prod.

.you nudge.

[I budge]

How can I hold myself back from the One who lives inside of me?

your flashlight touches the corners of my heart I tried to
h]i[d]e] in

oh Lover-of-my-Heart

you have won.
only One
you have won.

theendinthebeginning.

wrappppped into One [won]

love[him]

2009-01-27T01:27:00.003-05:00

love love

lovehymn

love[him]

A rich musky song of love melts into the night

burns

smolders

yes, smolders of love

Love!

I will sing my lovehymn,
my late-night song

Sleepless, I sing--
sing of longing...

yes, of longing and love

love love

love[him]

In the midnight hours I wait
Wait for the dawn

Wait for the sun to begin its bright-morning song

Yes, I will sing my smoldering lovehymn and wait for the Son

Wait as a love[h]er waits for that best and brightest lovehymn...

love[h]er--Part I

2009-01-26T23:44:00.005-05:00

love love

lover

love[h]er

A bright morning song of love bursts

into light

life

love

Yes love,

an early morning song of love
warming with each rising ray of sun

[Son]

Father of love
singing His bright morning love song

His compelling song that causes the Son to rise

love love

love[h]er

He sings

He sings His love over her

in shouts and whispers, He sings!

He sings and the sun rises and she--

she comes to life

comes to life life life

life & love

Hope is in the Rafters

2009-01-25T21:29:00.002-05:00

waiting for her big debut
You can see her waiting in the wings of the stage

fluttering
ready

Then suddenly in the midst of my life's chaotic scene
she bursts onto stage

dancing wildly
passionately

I do not see her.
I am too entrenched in my own emotions
my pain

My heart is unable to see Hope
But she sees me.

You suddenly notice that the stage becomes very slightly brighter
and we all begin to feel a very little better--though I could not tell you why

Hope continues her dance
twisting, bending, leaping, spinning

She dances around me
and in one leap, bounds down into a kneeling position beside me

Hope touches me gently
and then rolls herself into a standing position and dashes off stage.

The stage remains dimly lit
Minutes later, you notice--
Hope is in the rafters
bouncing almost impatiently
waiting until she can come back on stage and dance her dance

Dance the darkness away

Yes

Hope is in the Rafters...

Hopelessly Devoted to you...

2009-01-11T21:52:00.002-05:00

Kristel mentioned "Grease" and it made me think of that song.

Today was a strange day.

I had an almost complete replay of a car ride last year. The David Crowder song "Into Marvelous Light I Run."

& I was struck by the enormous grace of God.

Just like it happened last year, I had a flashback

to life on my own this past year

somuddledandmixedupandawful

I'd describe the flashback of what I saw, but it's depressing (and slightly pornographic in one segment)

I saw how I screwed it up big time for the second year in a row.

I saw how dim and lifeless and dark my way was.

The joy I thought I had at certain times seemed completely fradulent

tainted.

a shadow

I began to cry.
Whispering "Thank you."

& I saw what God has given me once again:

Grace

UnTIREing grace

2009-01-04T17:45:00.004-05:00

This is my hopeful, encouraging blog; ergo, I will share what happened yesterday:

It was mid-morning and I was on my way to volunteer at Buddy Break, an organization my best friend Julie helps run that helps parents of special needs children. I turned my car on and it sounded and felt a little funny.

I thought, "I must really need that oil change sooner rather than later."

I kept driving. I reached into my bag to get out my chapstick and felt my car drift when i let go of the wheel with one hand.

I thought "I must really need an allignment too."

I kept driving. The whole car began to make louder protests and began to shudder.

I thought, "I'll have Jose or someone take a peek at it once I get to Buddy Break."

I kept driving. I turned on Hillsborough and was having a hard time controlling the car. The noise was so loud and now I began to smell something hideous. Within 30 seconds, my ability to navigate and go a reasonable speed was gone. I realized I wasn't going to make it to the church.

So I stopped. It wasn't that easy. But I realized that God was with me.

I didn't hit anything.
And I didn't get hurt.

God graced my situation.

I still didn't know it was my tire that was the problem. I was stuck on Hillsborough Ave (a big road in Tampa). I called Jose to come help me.

Then I got out and looked at my car, which was now smelling awful. This is what I saw:

Completely slashed. No Idea how.

So this couple about my parent's age stop to help. The husband stopped traffic, so I could back my car out of the highway and into a little parking lot. Then he proceeded to get off this smelly, hot, broken tire.

When Jose came, he finished putting the donut tire on. The couple were Christians and were encouraging and very sweet.

But the thing is: I was frustrated, thinking, "Here's more money I got to throw away that I don't have."

But seriously? I could have been injured, or injured someone else.

I didn't.

I could have been stranded without help.

I wasn't.

I could have had more damage to my car.

There wasn't.

And I know that God protected me.

So I have to believe.

That he is watching me.

That he is guiding me.

That he loves me.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-01T14:34:00.004-05:00

I feel like I should make some...despite my luck/experience with them in the past. So here goes:

1. With God's help, I will stay on the straight and the narrow this year, getting closer to my God.

2. With God's help, I will remain chaste this year and will especially not become involved with men that do not know Jesus.

3. With God's help, I will find the job that I am supposed to be at this year.

4. With God's help, I will continue to eat healthy and will exercise more often.

5. With God's help, I will continue this hard lesson of forgiveness and mercy.

6. With God's help, I will try to not seek my own vengeance or willfulness.

7. With God's help, I will minister to those in need.

Sudden realization

2008-12-22T22:11:00.002-05:00

Thanks, Deeds for the Xanga comments. It got me to thinking. I re-read those posts--so full of anger and hurt and confusion.

I think I'm getting past that. At least one layer past.

It still makes me angry. It still hurts.

I'm still confused and disappointed.

But I feel hope.

Not every moment of every day.

But I have glimpses of it.

Talking to a friend.
Seeing my Christmas tree all lit up
Walking on a nature trail
Reading my Bible.
Listening to a song.

It's there--if I have eyes to see it.
If I have a heart open enough to receive the hope.
If I'm willing to lay aside the bitterness.

God is the God of ALL hope...

Rollercoaster praise

2008-12-19T21:04:00.002-05:00

I am thankful today.

It's been a roller coaster day/week/month/year/life

I was supposed to go with my mom to the dentist in St Pete this morning, that way we could hang out and run errands once she was done. However, I overslept.

I called her when I woke up, and she called me when she got out of her appointment. She told me that the problem with her tooth bleeding was because it was infected and dying. It's the last tooth on the top row--right next to her jawbone and sinuses. They did an X-ray and the dentist got very concerned with the way it looked. He called in his partner and they both decided it could be serious.

As in fatal.

They called up another specialist in St Pete and emailed her X-ray over and gave my mom directions to go to that facility immediately. They told her if the infection was in her jawbone or spread to her sinuses, it would be fatal. We talked so calmly about this new change of events. I told her to give the specialist and their office my number in case they needed to do anything to her today. So she hung up with me and headed over to the other specialist.

And I sat here reeling. My mom goes from having gum problems and a tooth issue--nothing too serious, right----to possibly having a fatal bone infection? All in the matter of one morning? I called and texted some friends quickly--then threw on some clothes and a shawl and headed out. I prayer-walked for about an hour on a trail here in Tampa. I felt like I was fighting, praying in the Spirit.

When you're waiting for a phone call like this, it seems to take forever.

Finally, my phone rang. It was from her cell. That doctor was off today, but he saw my mother anyway. He determined that her infection had not spread into the surrounding bones and sinus cavity yet. She will, however, need to have a root canal or the tooth pulled very soon before the infection has a chance to spread.

So, a pulled tooth or root canal vs. dying.

We were happy.
Are happy.

When my dad called from work later, she told him what had happened and they were laughing on the phone. It was so good. Such a good, good feeling to hear them laughing about this. To know that my mom is going to still be ok.

I thank God through our Savior Jesus Christ--for keeping my mom and safety. For getting this thing found out now, before it's too late. For his grace and mercy. It is so good.

You should praise the Lord for his love and for the wonderful things he does for all of us. You should celebrate by offering sacrifices and singing joyful songs to tell what he has done.
~Psalm 107: 21-22

Policy Changes

2008-12-17T01:43:00.002-05:00

All exes and their subsequent letters, e-mails, photos and other paraphernalia are undergoing investigation for removal and disposal by management.

They have moved on--it's time for some change.

O Christmas Tree

2008-12-13T22:39:00.003-05:00

So I began to write a post about forgiveness and moving on and hope. But, as usual, I was thrown for another loop. It's quite complicated. Maybe it shouldn't throw me.

Please keep Jonathan Newman in your prayers--he had another long surgery today (his pelvis) and is still in ICU. And please pray that I find a job--things are getting tight.

Anyway...since this is my hope-only blog, I will stick to pictures of my newly-decorated Christmas tree:

I like having a tree. We should have trees all year long...

It definitely brings cheer to my place.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2008-12-10T21:52:00.003-05:00

So every year our church allows Tip Top trees to use our property to set up their Christmas tree tent. They give our church some free coupons for less-expensive trees.

My mom and dad gave me a coupon because I am financially challenged right now. I've never had my own real Christmas tree. Growing up, we've used the same fake Christmas tree for longer than I've been alive.

So now I have my own place...and with it my own little tree.

Isn't it just the cutest little thing?? I could have gotten a bigger tree, but it wouldn't have fit.

It smells really good!

I have yet to decorate it with ornaments, but rest assured...when I do, I'll post the pictures!

2008-12-05T23:07:00.000-05:00

I took a test today for a case management position with Hillsborough County. I didn't think I had passed the test, since it was much harder than I expected, but I received an email saying I passed! Now if the county is interested in me as a case manager, then they will contact me for an interview.

It's a step.

Being a case manager is a scary thing to think about. Scarier than teaching even. But I want to learn how to help people and families--even if it's scary.

I'm not feeling overly positive tonight, to be honest. So I've taken a survey a friend posted on MySpace and will complete it below, hopefully with wittiness:

---

Do you tend to speed when you drive?
No, Officer!

Does your temper flare a lot?
it's been known to flare...

Do you get emotional easily?
Who you calling emotional? Huh? Huh?

Which shoe goes on first?
Whichever I find first.

Are you lazy?
On occasion.

Name one thing you do that people always tell you about:
ummmmm

Are you superstitious?
not really, but I am super!

Do you get bored with relationships quickly?
not really

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
I suppose I can.

What do you sleep in?
depends on the temperature

YOUR ABCs

A - is for the last person that made you ANGRY:
H.R. at my old company for not sending me the right paperwork

B - is for BEER you prefer:
I don't drink beer anymore, but I wasn't too picky. I'd drink just about any kind of beer...but I liked Yingling a lot

C - is for do you have a CAT?
I do not. I used to until last year when my mom killed it.

D - is for can you DANCE?
of course!

E - is for do you have your EARS pierced?
Funny you should ask that....I did for about 33 days. They are closing/closed since they got infected really badly.

F - is for your best FRIEND?
I have several. Thankfully.

G - is for did you ever watch GUTS on Nickelodeon?
We didn't watch Nickelodeon

H - is for the last person who HUGGED you?
Pastor Newman

I - is for close your eyes..
what IMAGE do you see?
nothing...creeper.

J - is for have you ever been to JAIL?
been in a jail? yes. Been put in jail for something illegal? no.

K - is for when is the last time you flew a KITE?
about a year ago probably

L - is for your first LOVE:
First was Jesus---I am trying to get back to that

M - is for the last piece of MAIL you got?
an official college transcript copy from SEU

N - is for do you remember NERF guns?
I sure do--I had an older brother

O - is for do you OWN a car?
I do! It is sooo OWNED

P - is for your favorite PASTTIME?
partying like a rockstar...I mean, painting

Q - is for do you like peace & QUIET?
love it. Wouldn't live alone if I didn't like it...

R - is for do you like the color RED?
Seeing my house is decorated in red...I should hope so.

S - is for how many hours of SLEEP you need to function?:
It depends on if I'm sick or not.

T - is for what TIME is it?
12.06 am

U - is for what is UNDER your bed?
A monster--and some boxes of paperwork and pictures

V - is for what you did last VALENTINES day:
worked at the Center with the kids

W - is for do you drink a lot of WATER?
I do

X - is for have you ever had an X-RAY?
Yup

Y - is for the last person you YELLED at?
I yelled about traffic last. I yelled about a certain jerk-face, but not at him, since I haven't been afforded that opportunity. [i am having NO problems coping]

Z - is for have you ever watched ZORRO?
I have

RANDOM

Who do you wish you could hang out with right now?
Becca Newman to make sure she is ok

Name one thing you absolutely cannot stand:
static electricity--I'm a little OCD about it.

Where do you spend most of your time?
my condo

Have you ever hit a squirrel when you were driving?
no

Did your car ever break down?
my old car did.

What is the longest amount of time you've been awake?
prob 36 hours? maybe longer?

What would you do if you found out the world was ending in one week?
I'd spend time with friends and family--time alone--spend all my money--do some witnessing--get married--go on a roller coaster--spend time outside dancing and singing and praying

Do scary movies make you paranoid when you watch them alone?
Absolutely. Which is why I don't normally do that--I'm not an idiot.

Name one thing you've lied about recently:
my state of emotion

What is the worst movie you've ever seen?
"Yes Sir, That's My Baby!" It's fantastic in a certain sense!

Who was the first person to ever give you flowers?
either my parents or grandparents.

As an end note, please pray for Jonathan Newman (in ICU). He is having a really rough night and he has a high fever.

Ogres are like Onions...

2008-12-04T18:26:00.000-05:00

So this is my positive blog...so I'll button my lip about the jobless, healthcare-less situation.

I waited too late to get pictures while it was daylight, so I improvised inside with things on my counter:

And here is a shopped picture of me:

Peace and Love...

Fall 2008

2008-12-03T22:30:00.000-05:00

I want this site to be full of pretty pictures as well.

Here is an compilation of this Fall:

Pumpkin from Hallelujah Night

Birthday Girls--practicing our sexy look

At the surprise birthday party, Jim presented
Grandpa with a US Flag he flew while in Afghanistan.

Camping November 2008

Sunset over the swamp

So.

Here is the lyrics to a song that is speaking to me right now:

One thing I know that I have found
Through all the troubles that surround
You are the Rock that never fails, You never fail

Verse2:

One thing I know that I believe
through every blessing I receive
You are the only One that stays, You always stay

Chorus
You never change, You're still the same
You are the Everlasting God
You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed
everlasting God

Chorus
You never change, You're still the same
You are the Everlasting God
You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed
everlasting God

You never Fail.
You always Stay.

New Beginnings

2008-12-03T22:28:00.001-05:00

I need a new place.

Another place.

I was reluctant to make another blog, simply because I have multiple blogs, social networking places and email accounts.

But after this week--I wanted something new.

Something beautiful.

like the journal I bought at the end of last year--it was my goal to fill it with beautiful things.

[i didn't]

But that doesn't mean I should stop trying.

So world, here I go again.